Relationships Articles

This is part two in a series of articles exploring the thinking and behavior of the infidel (the wandering spouse).

Since I have commented on the similarities between trance states and the state of mind of an infidel, there are a few more basics that need attention. Since a passive mindset is associated with trance states, it is important to engage their mind in active thinking.

This can be done by asking questions that require problem solving or thinking creatively. You will want to get them out of ‘auto pilot’ mode. That ‘auto pilot’ mode is one of the hallmarks of passive thinking.

When a person is just going through the motions, they are often not engaging their mind. To break the influence of ‘the affair trance’, you will need to get them out of ‘auto pilot’.

It is not by coincidence that many of the old romantic songs talk about ’spells’ or having someone under their power. These songs are often talking about the trance like state that the infidel is in. When they are in the state, the passive mindset allows them to just follow suggestions given to them by the ‘other person’.

The power of the trance is strengthened by the affair itself. When the couple engaging in the affair begin sexual activity, the power of the trance increases. Those persons who engage in S&M know about the power behind the sexual acts. The more extreme the sexual act, the more power it has over the passive infidel. This power can be broken, although it requires some significant effort to do so.

This will give you some understanding, without bogging you down in details as to what you are up against.

In reading further on the topic in some material by Eric Fromm, he notes that this passivity of mind is often a by-product of boredom. The boredom eventually turns to a form of hatred. When I apply this to the infidel, it paints a picture that the infidel grows bored with the relationship or their daily life. When the boredom turns to hatred, they look for ways to ’spice things up’, or ‘make them feel alive’.

It is during this stage that they often report feeling dead, or numbed out. (On another note, I am curious if many of the ED cases are actually those men who are bored, and resort to using chemicals to change themselves rather than change their thinking or behavior). When a person in in this state of hatred, then have been known to pursue destructive choices focused on lashing out at what they perceive as the cause of the boredom.

In the case of the infidel, they make choices that lash out at their marriage and or partner. Although this idea sounds far fetched, it is surprising how many infidels do things with the intention of getting caught. It is as if they are intentionally trying to sabotage their marriages and their lives. Such behavior will eliminate the boredom, but the idea of replacing the boredom with destructive drama does not seem like a good trade off to me.

The question then arises, “what can I do to prevent this?”. The answer is to engage your spouse. Get them to engage in activities that require effort and exertion, rather than passive acts. Discourage television watching. Take steps to eliminate the current fad of ‘multi-tasking’. (When in multi-tasking mode, we are often just reacting and not actively thinking). Change up your routine. These are things that will help break the power of the passive mind.

There’s nothing worse than the sinking feeling you get in your gut when the little voice in your head is telling you that something is going on with your husband or boyfriend.  Call it paranoia, call it intuition, or call is suspicion.  Whatever you call it, it’s often undeniable.  At first, you may try to brush it off, but it won’t go away.  It’s insistence that you listen makes it feel so immediate and definite that you’re propelled to confront your significant other.  More often than not, he’ll deny it and tell you that you’re being crazy and that all is well.  Still the feeling doesn’t go away.  He’s acting different, you’re feeling a definite distance, and the signs are telling you that something is really wrong.  You think that it’s quite probable that he’s cheating, but you don’t have any proof.  You hope that you’re wrong and you don’t want to come off as crazy, but you can’t ignore it either. So, what do you do? I’ll tell you in the following article.

Make A List Of Concrete Things That You Can Follow Up On: Statistics tell us that very often, the suspicion that you are feeling is correct.  Often, when a woman “feels” that something is off, it is.  However, this is not always the case.  Sometimes, we allow our own insecurities to cloud what we think we see.  There is always the small chance that you are wrong and that your accusations are going to damage the relationship.

So rather than just going on something abstract like your feelings, make a list of actual things that you’ve noticed or experienced.  Has he changed his appearance? Is he absent more? Have you been getting strange phone calls or hang ups? Are there weird numbers on his cell phones? Are messages being deleted from your emails? Is the Internet history being deleted?

Often, when you see a list of all the things that are seemingly unrelated, the picture becomes a bit clearer.

Know That Your Man Isn’t Likely To Confess Without Proof:  The statistics are pretty clear that very few men actually admit to the affair.  They will often deny it until they are either caught red handed or you have so much evidence that they can no longer make viable excuses that make any kind of sense.

So, it’s important that you can come up with indisputable proof, but that he doesn’t know you’re doing it.  You want for this to remain a secret for two reasons.  First, if he knows you are digging around, he’s going to cover his tracks better and may even cool it down for a while until the coast is clear.  Second, if you’re wrong, it’s going to deteriorate your relationship.

Know That Almost All Cheaters Leave A Trail: Your significant other may think that they’re being very careful.  A lot of them will get new email accounts and get a cheap pre paid phone, thinking that they’ve taken the necessary precautions, but almost all of these trails can be dug up and it’s very rare that a person leading two lives can cover all bases.  There is no such thing as a mistake free affair.  They are going to mess up at some point. The key is for you to be watching when they do.

There are things that you can do to spy on them without their knowing.  You can put a GPS magnetic tracker on their car, you can put spy software on their computer, and you can retrieve erased text messages and emails if you know what you are doing. These are just a few examples. There are many more.  But, you need to be meticulous about this so you aren’t caught.

How Do You Confront Him About The Cheating?: Many people will tell me that once they have the evidence, they are so upset that they don’t know what to do with it.  They are embarrassed to admit that they’ve been spying, even though they were right.  They really want for their significant other to confess so that they don’t have to confront them.

There is one other option.  You can have one of your friends or their friends follow them. (Through your spying, by now you’ll know who the other person is and where they live.)  You can have the friend “discover” the affair and confront him.  The friend can tell him that if he doesn’t tell you about the cheating, they will.  Research shows us that this is often the only way that men will confess - if they know that someone else will if they don’t.

However you chose to go about this, I believe that you deserve the truth.  I know that some women would rather not know than to deal with the consequences.  But, I believe that no matter how bad cheating is, being lied to about it’s existence is worse. 

Money and how it is spent can indicate problems. Be aware of the amount coming in and where it all ends up. If your spouse has an affair on the side, the funding has to coming from somewhere. Monitor you joint accounts, credit card statements, purses, kids accounts. hiding places and cookie jars. Watch the mail and email for any new credit sources or accounts. If you can maintain tight control on the outflow, you should be able to figure out what all the money is being used for.

Another great way is by phone activity. This will change drastically because your spouse has to have some way of communicating with the affair. So, you might find him or her on the phone more than usual or you might start getting calls from someone who you don’t recognize. You may even get a lot of calls where the person calls and hangs up. This is a very big sign that something is going on.

And then there is your car. Yes, your car. Suddenly there is less gas in it than there usually is and you have no idea where it’s gone too. If you check the mileage, you might notice that it’s higher than you expected. Your spouse might also ask you to wait for them to clean out the car before you get into it. Why? To get rid of the evidence. And of course there could be empty cups in the car and the radio stations have all be changed.

At the bottom of this article, I have provided a review of a great source which will help to find out more clues and put the all information together. I believe that you will want to read my conclusions.

Quite a few of us have had that sinking feeling you get when instinct kicks in and you’re sure, your spouse is cheating on you. Immediately you have to know for sure that what you suspect is real and so you set off trying to find out how you can go about catching a cheater.

Well you need to know that catching a cheater does not have to be a long drawn out and expensive undertaking. It can be, if you opt for a private detective who will charge you hundreds and perhaps even thousands of dollars as they take their time rooting around and gathering evidence. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

So if you’re looking for a cost effective method of nailing a cheat, then these next three moves are just what you need!

Your First Move

If you’re smart, keep your mouth shut! DO NOT confront your spouse about your suspicions. Because if you do, all you do is make your spouse aware that you’re onto them and they will simply cover their tracks and make your second move that much more difficult.

Your Second Move

Start gathering information on your spouse’s movements and particularly their cell phone habits. 98% of all affairs are happening with the help of the cell phone. The cell has made having an affair far more easy than it ever has been. So if you want to find out if your spouse is cheating, then their cell will tell you everything you need - specifically you can collect all the suspicious numbers logged in the cell and these are what you will need for your third move.

Your Third Move

Is to then perform a reverse cell number lookup on all of those suspicious numbers that you gathered from the cell phone and find out who those numbers belong to. Provided that you use a reputable lookup service you can find out exactly who your spouse is cheating with, and you can do so without anyone ever knowing what you’re up to - catching a cheater has never been so easy!

Are you currently in a close relationship, spending evenings and weekends together, sharing unique activities and intimate moments that are special to the two of you?

· Do you get upset when your partner spends an extra evening out or goes away for a weekend or a week without you?

· If either of you travels often for business, does that cause problems, upsets and conflicts in your relationship?

· When your partner is away from you for several days, a week, or a month, do you find yourself seeking companionship in the arms of someone else?

· Do you need and demand a lot of personal attention, emotional comforting, communication, understanding, hand-holding, support at family and business functions, regular sexual contact, assistance with child rearing, or just having someone else in your home with you?

If you answered “Yes” to any of the above questions, then you have probably never thought about this next question:

What would it be like for you to be in love with, involved with, and/or married to a soldier, a man or woman who is enlisted in the armed forces in the army, navy, marines, air force, or another venue? What if your partner was with you every day and you shared wonderful romantic days and nights, and then, suddenly, the letter came. “Report for overseas duty on the following date….”

How would you handle the situation? Would you make the most of every moment you have left together or would you begin to create stress - anger, mood swings, sadness, depression, anxiety - because of your own fear of separation? Would you focus on comforting the other person or would you be more concerned with your own fear of abandonment, loneliness or uncertainty?

Perhaps you are currently living with a soldier or you, yourself, are currently or have been deployed overseas. Perhaps your most intimate relationship has become shaky, difficult, fraught with anger and emotional imbalances, and you have been blaming yourself or blaming your partner. Perhaps you have already split up with that person you loved before the enforced separation.

The stress and strain of being an army spouse is not talked about much. There is ongoing and daily uncertainty when a beloved and needed partner is deployed overseas in a war torn environment with the possibility of being injured, captured, maimed or killed at any instant. Their letters might not convey the sensitivity that the person remaining at home expects. There may not be much verbal communication for a very long period of time.

The person fighting for this country or serving to assist injured soldiers might be seeing and experiencing some terrifying, horrific and unimaginable scenes. There might be someone right nearby sharing the same terrible moments. An affair might occur in a moment of severe emotional confusion, upset or trauma.

The person remaining at home may feel empty, scared, alone, and angry at having all the child rearing, family, or financial responsibilities. This person may share some emotional concerns with a fellow neighbor or colleague at work. An affair might occur in a moment of emotional pain, anxiety, stress, fear or just a sense of “What’s the point?”

And then the soldier returns home. But this person returning home may be very different from that romantic, sensitive, kind person who left only a few short months or years ago. The kinds of traumatic events, the physical traumas and injuries, the excitement and life stopping exhilaration in the midst of terror, may now lead to anger, depression, brain injury, physical ailments, drug addiction and mental problems that can be extremely difficult for even the most caring spouse to handle. One or both may have gotten involved with another person, being unfaithful to the marital or commitment bonds.

If you are personally involved with a soldier or if you yourself are a returning soldier, just remember that there are resources available to help you cope with many of these seemingly insurmountable problems. There are marriage and family therapists specifically trained to understand and help you overcome barriers to recreating love. There are psychiatrists that can offer appropriate medications to calm the nerves or balance the brain chemistry. There are mental health counselors and psychologists to deal with emotional problems and mental concerns. And, there are body therapists and body oriented psychotherapists that can help you actually release traumatic memories that are stored in body tissues.

A spouse may think that it is easy to cheat and not get caught, but at some stage their behavior is certain to give them away…

Seems unusually happy-

Your spouse seems to be unusually happy and cheerful all the time no matter how busy their work schedule has been. Their face appears to break into a smile all the time. They break into a catchy hum, or whistle a love song. All this is so unlike their usual behavior.

New hobbies and interests-

Your spouse has taken to new interests like gardening, walking, or tennis, which were of no interest earlier. Your spouse prefers to jog at the park now instead of round the block. You’ll find him or her up earlier than usual indulging in these new-found interests.

Absentminded and secretive-

Generally lost in thoughts, they’ve become extremely absentminded. They’re even unaware of your presence. Highly secretive now, they do not relate the day’s happenings or discuss life’s many pleasantries as before. In fact they hardly talk now.

Does not spend as much time as before-

Your spouse no longer spends the quality time they used to after the day’s work. The time spent earlier watching television together has come to a halt. Your spouse is far too busy with other things and avoids hanging out with you.

Avoids sex-

Even worse is the fact that your spouse now avoids sex with you. Either they throw you off when you approach them seductively or spell it out clearly that they are not up to sex at that moment. And it’s not as though there’s hope at a later time, because they’re still quite unwilling.

So no matter how a spouse may try to conceal his or her behavior, but these are sure shot ways for you to catch a cheating spouse.

So you have a slimy, sneaky rat going around behind your back with someone else? Well, let’s set up a mouse trap then, to catch that dirty rat! There is no excuse for cheating, and there is no damn reason why you should continuously be played for a fool, right? So let’s get more than even with the truth, and with your so called ‘lover’, shall we? Here is how you can catch a cheating spouse or lover so fast their jaw will drop…

Step #1- Do not get caught! You are the one who needs to be discrete this time, not your lover! So long as they know you are following them, they will work harder to hide things, so just lay low.

Step #2- The computer- We are going to get all the juicy dirt they have been doing online, just by simply installing a spy-ware program that will record everything typed by your lover.

Step #3- The car- They always tell you they are here or there, but where are they really? If they have a GPS system, you can just track them online. If they do not, you can just as easily track the mileage for that supposed “trip to the store” and find its 10 miles extra.

Step #4- The spending habits- If you are married or common law, or maybe just have access to your partner’s bank statements…check what they are spending on. Common cheater’s splurges include but are not limited to: clothing, lingerie, perfume/cologne, restaurants, hotels/motels.

You get the picture, and remember this is not limited to just men. Ladies will often buy themselves new things to wear when cheating- so take note when your partner doesn’t wear them around you!

Step #5- The phone calls- Who do those numbers belong to anyways? Forget always asking your partner who they are, only to be lied to. Get smart! Use a reverse phone look-up and check who those numbers really belong to!

No one wants to believe right away that there spouse may be having an affair outside of their marriage. Are you constantly left searching for signs that your spouse is cheating. While in the past questions such as these can only be correctly helped if you have somebody confirm your suspicions about the affair. Fortunately you don’t have to worry no more as you can discover already the truth all on your own.

Most often than not, a cell phone is a very useful device to source out information about your spouse. Commonly, you would tend to look for the most obvious signs as a scent of another’s perfume or a lipstick mark on your spouses’s shirt. But these clues are very easy to cover up instead look for the more difficult signs that your spouse is cheating as an unfaithful spouse can be very cunning and cautious in leaving footprints of their affair.

When cheaters get in contact with the person they are having a forbidden relationship with, they usually do it on a cell phone since most men are wise enough to know that using the landline can easily be traceable.

Using the reverse cell phone lookup, you will know for certain who your spouse has been talking to in hushed tones. But before doing this, you have to browse through there cell phone and look for numbers that you do not recognize as these may be signs that your spouse is cheating. Then, use a reverse lookup site and enter the digits.

In seconds you will have the name, address, cellular provider, and telephone status of the mysterious number. This is a convenient way to know if your spouse is keeping a secret from you.

You may also want to confirm whether they lying by asking them to give the name of the owner of the number you are suspicious of. You’ll know they are not telling the truth if they give different information than the one that you have.

This is by far the most hassle-free way to identify the signs that your spouse is cheating.

Men sometimes cheat on their wives. In fact, many marriages are now plagued with the problem of husband infidelity. Many women go years not knowing that their husband is being intimate with another woman or women. Although many women have a gnawing feeling in the back of their minds that their husband isn’t being faithful they don’t fully recognize the signs of infidelity in men. Once you know what to look for it becomes much easier to catch him when he does slip up.

The first of the warning signs of infidelity in men is very obvious. If your husband suddenly stops telling you that he loves you this may be a sign that he’s feeling adoration for someone else. If he often told you how important you were to him without you saying it first and that stops, it’s something you need to be concerned about. Many men find it difficult to feel emotionally close to more than one woman at a time. For this reason, the feelings of infatuation he may be feeling for his mistress are overshadowing what he feels for you.

A change in the way he dresses can often mean there’s a new woman in his life. Men like to look nice when they are courting someone. If he changes the way he wears his hair or if he buys a new wardrobe you should be very suspicious. Another of the signs of infidelity in men is when a man wants to diet and get in shape when for years he pushed it aside. If you’ve been asking your husband to lose weight for his health and he’s ignored your requests but now seems determined to do it that may indicate that he’s doing it to impress another woman.

How he handles money is also a good indicator of whether or not he’s having an affair. If you have a joint bank account and he’s taking out more cash than he has in the past this could be attributed to the fact that he’s paying cash for things related to his lover. Some men don’t realize that they leave a paper trail if they pay with a credit card. If you two share a credit card and you have access to the monthly bill give it a quick look over. Any unusual charges may be another of the signs that he’s committing adultery.

Laziness and disinterest in day-to-day things are both signs of infidelity in men. Many men only want to relax when they have time at home on the weekends, but if that’s not the norm for your husband and he suddenly has no get up and go, it may indicate that his mind is somewhere else. The same is true if your husband loses interest in family activities including planning and participating in family vacations. A red flag should go up if he ever tells you that he can’t take a family trip with you because of work. There’s a strong possibility that his desire to stay home has more to do with a woman than getting his work done.

Two of the warning signs of a cheating husband seem to contradict one another but it’s important to pay attention if either is occurring in your marriage. Intimacy is often directly affected when an affair is taking place. Depending on the level of guilt your husband is feeling you will either notice that he’s much more attentive to your intimate needs and can’t seem to get enough of you or he’ll lose virtually all interest in you. Any shift, whether it’s negative or positive in your intimate life, is a sign that something has changed in terms of his feelings.

Once a person becomes good at lying about cheating they may start lying about other things. If you notice inconsistencies in things your husband says to you, don’t let him sweep this under the rug. If he’s lying to you about something that seems harmless there’s a good chance he’s also being deceitful when he says he’s not having an affair.

“By nature, men are polygamous. All men, regardless of whether they are single, in a relationship or married, lust and covet after other women, beside their partner, they find attractive. They do this in their mind, but most do not act out those thoughts. Show me a man who says otherwise and I will show you a liar.”

I am far from naive and I certainly am not innocent. But to keep on hearing these confessions from men, phrased in many ways but the meaning still in tact, never fail to get a jump out of me. It does not matter who I hear it from: male friends who are self-confessed womanizer, one-woman man, a matured man, a conservative man, a religious man, a serial dater, a virgin. I still react the same way and with a follow-up question of, “Why? Why are men like this?”

“Because it is human nature,” is the answer I always get. “Men are simply wired like this.”

This is certainly not something a neophyte in relationships would want to hear. Nor something an insecure woman would want to hear either. But the sad truth is that it is the truth and no amount of love, devotion or fidelity may change that. I hope it is not true but one never knows.

How many times have you ever caught a man admiring another woman while he is with his partner? Some may have the guts to tell his partner about the passing admiration, while others get caught and a bigger bunch simply get away with it. If you have ever overheard or eavesdropped on men’s conversation, it is not a surprise hearing them top one another with conquests and women. Or simply men telling their friends they noticed some other women sizing them up.

Truth of the matter is, it is their sixth sense. The same way it is for women to smell a threat in the form of another woman a mile away. Men say it is paranoia. Women would differ. Stanley Baldwin, a British Prime Minister (1867-1947), once said, “I would rather trust a woman’s instinct than a man’s reason.”

How many times have I heard women saying they are dressing up for a man or to get their attention? We women go through so much to catch a man’s attention while not realizing the after-the-fact: what do you do once you have caught his attention? Keep on capturing his attention? That could be quite tiring and expensive. Making yourself the most beautiful woman in the world? I think not. Would any woman want to be loved for who they are, even as superficial as physically?

There will always be someone more beautiful than you, more intelligent than you are, sexier than you are, better in bed than you are, more to your partner’s taste than you. If we try to be everything to our partner, there is still no certainty his eyes and thoughts will not wander.

“Woman begins by resisting a man’s advance and ends up blocking his retreat,” according to Oscar Wilde.

Men are in general persistent in their advances. But the danger lies not so much in the man but the woman who blocks his retreat. And that is why an admiring woman is a threat to be reckoned with in any relationship. Once the man’s path of retreat is blocked, she plays the persistence game. And in the end, it blows up in the open with every single player bickering, but only the partners hurting one another.

Infidelity in most relationships is a point of no return: loss of trust, respect and confidence in a love shared. Sometimes, it is a catastrophic event of temporary loss of trust, respect and confidence in a shared love wherein couples pick themselves from their fall, mend fences and move on and love on.

I am in no way justifying infidelity in any way. But my point is men commit infidelity in their minds all the time, if not physically. So why does it seem so earth shattering for women to feel betrayed and angry when a partner goes astray? When come to think out it, scents and bodily fluids can be flushed and washed away. Thoughts leave imprint one cannot wash away.

The way I see it, women have no control over how men think and how they act in their minds. Try as one might, it is simply just not possible. Therefore, a man’s body, in a way, is the only thing the man has that she can put restrictions on: who he can kiss, hand hold hands with, be sweet to, say “I love you” to, envelope in his arms, etc.

This, of course, comes after the issues of love, trust, respect and fidelity. I say to men: be careful of woman bearing praises, admiration and declarations of love for theirs are shallow and have not been tested by tough times. Should you decide to pursue another chance at love, be man enough at least to respect the past love, end the relationship before moving on to the next. Women have pride too and have a face to keep.

I say to the men’s women: nothing will be broken if there isn’t something waiting to be broken. If a man feels loved, content and appreciated, he will probably not look anywhere else (I hope!)

I say to women falling for attached men: all that glitters is not gold. A man who looks like he could be your knight in shining armour may leave you alone or/and behind while he gallops ahead on his valiant horse. You’ have only begun to scratch the surface, do not think it is going to full of treasures inside. You are a woman and you know how hard it is to love as a woman and harder still to keep a man happy and in line. Try to emphatize for you will never know when you will find yourself in the very same position. There is only one word for this: KARMA!

I truly hope George Jean Nathan, an American journalist and editor, meant what he was saying when he said, “A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.”

Anyone in any relationship knows it takes two to start a relationship. It is those very two who will build the relationship and make it what it is. And therefore, it also takes two to crack it. But this only comes after making sure one makes sure if he/she is ready for a relationship because one has to be happy with oneself before he/she can make another happy.

Love should be enough in theory. But in reality, it takes so much more to keep a love alive and faithful. Fight a good fight. Nothing is lost until you say it is, as someone once wisely said to me.

There’s one sad truth in life I’ve found

~Ella Wheeler Wilcox