Relationships Articles

CRAFTY: Curious Responsive Assertive Focused Thoughtful YES!

I have been developing, honing, refining the Crafty concept for a few years now - and have every intention of continuing that delightful process! I have done so by giving presentations or facilitating workshops with teachers, parents, managers, teams, therapists, social workers, writers, clinical supervisors, learning mentors and people in many different roles and contexts. I have also written a number of Crafty articles, and created workbooks for Crafty training and seminars, which I intend to turn into e-books, and maybe publish here.

The negative connotations of ‘crafty’? e.g. deviousness and manipulation, underhandedness, deception, cunning or wiliness are countered by such qualities as skillfulness, dexterity, ingenuity, subtlety; surely the very essence of rapport building?

Crafty listening is useful wherever - and with whomever - hard work or happenstance place us when we choose to take responsibility for our contribution to the quality and process of our communication.

By actively seeking to understand where other people are ‘coming from’ and where they would like to go, we can facilitate them to express fluently their fears and anxieties or their hopes and disappointments so that communication and connectedness are more likely to flow well. That is what, in principle and on purpose, crafty listening helps us to do.

This is not altruistic self-denial but enlightened self-interest. Enlightened because it banishes shadows, helping all parties - potentially at least - to see more clearly.

And in our own interest because, on the premise that ‘we are in it together’, by replacing ‘me’ with ‘we’, we can dismantle barriers and build bridges across differences so that, together, we can move toward a more compelling future!

CURIOUS

The essence of Curiosity is a sense of wonder. Too often, we tell people what we think they ought to know, instead of gathering high value information that helps them find answers and resources for themselves. This usually leaves all parties so frustrated, that the only options seem to be fight, flight or freeze

To move or motivate people, to coach them in the healthy art of constructive selfishness, we need to understand or sense how they arrived at this point in their journey, and determine what keeps them stuck.

Skilful curiosity, which involves judicious questioning of the kind taught by Nancy Kline [Time to Think], James Lawley & Penny Tompkins [Metaphors in Mind], Susan Scott [Fierce Conversations], and others, can unlock potential so that energy flows freely.

RESPONSIVE

Tuning in to the richness of pauses, hearing the secrets that silence might hold. Seeing the weight of pain that underpins anger, tasting the bitterness that is the legacy of betrayal, listening to people who have never been heard can be very difficult.

Even more difficult to accept that our inability to make sense of their incomprehensible, incoherent ramblings, probably indicates our own limitations!

How, then, to remain fully aware of our own internal processing as well as the other person’s?

ASSERTIVE

Assertiveness, linked to self-esteem and self-assurance, is an essential aspect of effective and empowering communication. Many people are poor communicators and worse listeners because they have an endless cacophony on internal chatter that, effectively, drowns out external sounds. Lack of self-esteem often underpins and reinforces lack of respect, empathy, patience or consideration for others.

FOCUSED

What we focus on grows. Crafty listening requires one of the five key components of Emotional Intelligence - the ability to focus on what is going on in our own head, heart and gut - thoughts, feelings, and actions. Focusing on and wondering about what’s beneath the surface of other people utterances, silences and non-verbal communication can make people fascinating. To be genuinely interested and fully engaged in what others are or are not saying, doing and being - without being enmeshed - can help them to think and function more effectively. Nancy Kline tells us that people’s ability to think clearly is directly influenced by the quality of our attention.

THOUGHTFUL

Different contexts and contingencies can make listening [seem] impossible or redundant. Sadly, many people are so self-important, or consider themselves so unimportant, that real or imagined inequities and power-positions preclude their willingness to speak or readiness to hear. We (mis)interpret, mis-hear, interrupt, interfere, argue, discount, deny or dismiss and, in countless ways, prevent other people from finishing a sentence, developing an argument, exploring an idea or adequately expressing themselves. We can hinder people simply by listening autobiographically! Crafty listening, at first, requires an effort of mindfulness, focus and self-awareness, whilst still paying attention and respect to others.

Think about it!

YES!

A positive attitude based on the notion of Intelligent Optimism. It requires the ability to consider the pros and cons, the plus and minus aspects of any proposed course of action. We consider the potential obstacles or objections, reflect on any likely pitfalls, ponder the inevitable challenges that we would rather not face.

Brainstorm as many as possible, then seek out the naysayers and doom-mongers. Ask them what you might have overlooked or underplayed. Ask them to point out the error of your ways and the folly of your thinking. Interrogate their statements with gratitude. Why so? Because it is better to know before you set out which roads might lead to ruin. This exploration is not undertaken with morbid pessimism. Far from it!

Intelligent optimism is based on the premise that projects, friendships, holidays, marriages, lessons, communities, etc., have more chance of working out if we consider every angle and as many different points of view as possible.

English Spelling

You’re at a party and someone is approaching you from across the room. The face is familiar, but you can’t quite place the name… Forgetting someone’s name is quite embarrassing, especially if you have met the person on more than one occasion. You forget a name, not because you have a bad memory, but because you didn’t learn how to remember the name in the first place. Some steps to help you remember names are:

1. When you are first introduced to a person, make sure you hear the person’s name and hear it pronounced clearly. Pay attention during the introduction instead of concentrating on what you plan to say. If you aren’t sure you heard the name correctly, ask to have it repeated. Most people won’t mind that you asked; they’ll be flattered.
2. Repeat the name several times. Say it when you are introduced: “It’s nice to meet you, Mary”; “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Simmons.” Also repeat the name during the course of the conversation, “Well, Mary, I do see your point.” And say it at the end of the conversation, “I enjoyed talking to you, Mr. Simmons.”
3. Create a ridiculous cartoon in your mind that links the person’s name with an outstanding physical characteristics. For example, you meet Fern Fadness and she has a prominent nose; imagine ferns growing out of her nose. You meet Ben Armstrong who is very tall and skinny; imagine him as a strongman in a circus, in a silly costume and flexing his arms. The trick here is to create a mental image (the more ridiculous, the stronger the image) that will help you remember a name. If physical characteristics don’t seem to work, try other associations. Maybe Mrs. Noyes is a very quiet woman. Or Mr. Pierce looks fierce.
4. If you are going to a small social event and will be meeting a number of new people, find out ahead of time who will be in attendance. If you hear the names before you arrive, then repeat the names during introductions, you are likely to remember them.

Every day, in many ways, we communicate with other people. Sometimes it is verbally, other times it is through the written word, and we even do it non-verbally through what we call body language. For that matter, we can use images to communicate, and even a scent can carry a message. If we expect to get our point, our message, our meaning across, it is important that we have good communication skills.

In order to work in an office, function at school or interact with people in any situation, communication is needed. Let us say that you are an engineer, and you have designed a new two hundred unit residential development. Well, to get approval to build that project, there are forms to fill out and permits to obtain.

You will need to fill in applications and probably write some sort of report to outline exactly what you intend to do. Maybe there is a swamp nearby, a beautiful pristine wetland that is home to endangered animals. If that’s the case, people may protest your project; you may have to go before a city council or into court to argue that you should be allowed to build it. To do so, you will need to write up a clear, concise and easy to read report explaining every aspect of the development.

If a hearing is held, then you will probably have to get up in front of a crowd of people - some of them hostile - and verbally explain what you are planning, and answer questions. If you have pictures or computer graphics, and can show that your project will not hurt the environment, you will have a good chance of being approved.

On the other hand, perhaps you are engaged in something more mundane, like buying a car, or maybe a house. You will need to present yourself as speaking clearly, knowledgeably and with confidence. Here is where the ability to judge a person’s attitude comes in very handy. If you are negotiating with a car salesperson, or a realtor or homeowner, and you ask a question that is something they do not want to answer, they may give off a subtle signal. A slight twitch of the eyebrow or the corner of their mouth; maybe they look down before answering. It can be any one of a number of things. The point is, it can be a signal to you that something is not as it seems.

On the flip side, if you are the salesperson, you will want to be able to speak or communicate in a way that answers a question, but does not leave you open to suspicion. A classic example is the old question about a house: “Does the roof leak?” And you reply: “Only when it rains”. That kind of answer will sink your efforts at a sale. So, you have to learn how to put a positive spin on what you say or write. A house is not:”in the city,” it is: “conveniently located to the vibrant downtown district.”

When dealing with issues in your personal life, good communication is vital. If you are in a relationship with someone, communication is what keeps the relationship alive! More important than agreeing on everything is just the fact that you can talk, write, even IM each other and respect each other’s views. As a relationship deepens and expands, children may come into the picture. Once you are a parent, you face the difficult task of (eventually) trying to communicate with a teenager. Shudder! A sub-species of humans that often communicates via grunts and head shakes - at least to adults.

If you are intent on convincing your son / daughter to not smoke, not do drugs, not drink etc. then very good communication skills are vital. And, you cannot only use the verbal skills. Teenagers are experts are tuning their parents’ voices out. They have been hearing them since childhood, they can do it. You want to keep your teen from drinking and driving, talking is not enough. A pile of newspaper articles showing the horrid aftermaths of many such instances speaks volumes. There is the old saying: “A picture paints a thousand words.” Keep that one in mind, especially in dealing with teens on many issues.

So, whether in work, in your dealings with life, or in your personal life; the importance of communications skills cannot be underestimated.

1. Compromise - Every person is different. No matter how well you get along with somebody, there will always be things that interfere. The only way to make things work is to accept your partner for who they are. This way, you can accommodate their needs to the best of your ability and comfort.

2. You’ve got to keep your basic principles. If things aren’t working, don’t settle for something that is making you unhappy. Learn what you can live with, and what you can’t, and then set your standards and keep to them.

3. Empathize. Try to see every situation from their perspective. Self-interest is usually the death of relationships, and one of the top reasons for divorce. All other reasons, their basis is being selfish.
You never know what you may discover about the situation, life or each other when you stop, look at the big picture, and try to see that picture from their eyes.

4. Communication is the key. If you communicate and communicate well then chances are you’ll have a better relationship. If you don’t like something and you’d like it changed speak up about it. If you don’t it will simply rankle and the relationship will not end well.

5. There doesn’t always have to be a winner. If you get into an argument, and it’s not about a life-and-death situation but is just a difference of opinion, accept that. Accept that it’s okay to think differently about something, agree to disagree and move on.

6. Expectations. Have real and understandable expectations of your partner. Don’t expect them to be super man or woman, but at the same time expect them to be a good person.

In life you will encounter people who have a great ability to communicate their emotions and ideas. Some can communicate well in public and others can communicate well in much smaller groups. However, a good number of people do not know how to communicate. I am not necessarily speaking of public speaking. There is a difference between communicating in public and privately. I am talking about being able to communicate your feelings to someone close to you. Can you relate?

In my case, I have had and still do struggle with communicating with my father. However, I can get up in front of a room of strangers and communicate on a topic that I feel passionately about. But the hardest person for me to communicate with is my father. Why is that? Well my father did not have much of a father-figure when he was a boy. That was when it was not popular in a 3rd world country to have a one-parent household. He grew up with nothing but criticism and challenges, and he was never taught to communicate well with those close to him.

Always a good father who loved his children dearly. But when challenging times came by, e.g. me being a rebellious teenager, my father did not have any solutions, because that part of his own life was an empty space. So our communication broke down to mere “good mornings” and “hi’s”. Anything beyond that would have been surface-level small talk. Eventually he and my mother would have gotten a divorce, which filled me with anger. The fear I felt as a little boy, who always knew my parents were not happy together because communication was bad, became anger when they went their separate ways. This ultimate event compounded the strained relationship between me and my father.

Oh by the way, my father knows how to communicate in public also. But we have a strained relationship. I honor him and I love him, but there is something about him that repels me. See what I am doing in this article is communicating. But you couldn’t pay me enough to express it to my father. Does it make sense? It might. However, is it the truth? No, it’s not!

In order to truly communicate with someone [close to you] with whom you have a strained relationship, there are a few things that will be necessary:

• In your heart forgive them for any [perceived] wrong done to you by them (without this 1st step, I am not sure you can proceed).
• Totally disregard that resistance you feel and push through it. That resistance is pride. However, it is a poison. It is what is perpetuating the death of the relationship. It is an overarching force in your life that is holding you back. It is holding me back. It is a walled prison. But I must break through it.
• Pushing through the resistance is when I say, “dad I love you.”

That is where the mending starts. Beyond that point is the road to rebuilding the relationship. It does not take both people to decide to rebuild a relationship. Like all journeys in life, it only requires the first step. It does not require two first steps. So that first step can be mine.

Have you ever written down the date for an event when someone told you, but somehow got it wrong? Likely it was a misunderstanding. Could “next” have been the culprit?

For me, “next” means the one following now. That is simple and uncomplicated. For a day of the week, next “anything” would be no more than seven days away.

Let’s talk “Saturday.” Say someone tells you the birthday party is next Saturday. If today is Saturday, then likely there is no confusion. If today is Wednesday, however, then a little clarification is in order. In fact, if today is any day of the week besides Saturday, you would best not accept “next” at all.

For some, “next” means the one following “this.” If today is Saturday, then “this Saturday” is simple. It is today. If today is Sunday, then “this Saturday” is likely a shortened version of “this past Saturday.” But if today is Friday, then “this Saturday” is likely a shortened version of “this coming Saturday.”

The big question then is, “When does ‘this past’ become ‘this coming’?” Is it noon on Wednesday? Perhaps, but not likely. When dealing with imprecision in communication, such a switch depends more on feeling than on accurate measurement.

The weekend, for those of us on a regular work week, is special. It is a time for personal projects, relaxation, friends, family and perhaps spiritual reflection. Yet, “this Saturday” becomes a faded memory when one is jarred by the concerns of Monday. For many of us, we are already looking forward to the next weekend.

Most of my working, adult life, I have been able to cruise through to Wednesday on the emotional “high” from this past weekend, and feel equally charged, from Wednesday on, in anticipation of this coming weekend. And throughout most of my life, I have enjoyed my work, so rarely have I experienced the Monday “blues.”

The moment a person starts looking forward to the following weekend (the one following now) might be the moment that determines the change in meaning from “this past” to “this coming.”

And when a definition is that subjective, it is best to ask for clarification. When someone tells you “next” anything, ask for a calendar date. If a reference calendar is not readily available, then ask if “next” means “this coming” or “after this coming.” If they give you a strange look, simply smile, nod and tell them, “What you’re telling me is important. I want to get it right.”

When you are at a party, or maybe a job interview, there can be points where the conversation wanes and/or falls flat. So, you can use some methods perk things up. Now, the first thing you want to remember is: do not panic! It is common for any conversation to go through peaks and valleys.

Step one, be sure to maintain eye contact with the other person. This will help them to feel that you are connected with them. Next, and this is something to keep in mind over the course of the conversation - pay attention to what the other person has said. That way, if things start to fall off, you can paraphrase back to them what you have heard. Very often, this will inspire the other person to find other things to add to the conversation.

After that, try to think of questions you can ask them about what they have said. Also, playing the old “Devil’s Advocate” scenario can work too. There is just one thing about that, be wary of coming across as too judgmental or negative. This can result in them shutting down and not wanting to speak further. Boy, talk about sucking the steam right out a conversation! So, watch what you ask, and then ask in depth follow up questions that pull out still more information from the speaker.

If the subject of the conversation has truly run its course, then there are still other means of keeping things rolling along. First, just ask the other person questions about themselves. Something as simple as: “Where are you from?” can go a long way to re-energizing the conversation. A lot of people enjoy the prospect of talking about themselves. You can ask about their life, where they are from, what places they like to visit, and so on.

Next, if their “life questions” do not lead anywhere; you can ask something as simple as: “What was the last movie you saw, and what did you think of it?” You can also ask what their political views are, are they worried about Global Warming, and so forth.

Of course, sometimes the other person in the conversation can simply not have anything more to contribute. This is where you can step in and perk things up. So, step one, do a little review in your mind as to what has been the subject (or subjects) of the conversation. Next, look at some other subject you can relate to one (or more) of them. And, don’t think in a straight, linear fashion. Try to, as They say “think outside the box”. As an example, if you have been talking about favorite vacation spots, and someone has mentioned how much they love Cape Cod, you could mention the fact that the movie “Jaws” was filmed out on Martha’s Vineyard Island. This could lead to a whole discussion of movies, of that movie, of the author of the book, or even of the actors and / or director. After all, “Jaws” was one of Steven Spielberg’s biggest hits.

Finally, a change of venue can also help. You can suggest going out for coffee, going to grab a bite to eat, going to a bar or cafe to get a drink, and so on. In the movie “Music and Lyrics”, Drew Barrymore’s character suggested getting out of Hugh Grant’s apartment so they can get some inspiration for writing a song. Well, the same can be true for a conversation. Even just going for a walk can help. You move around, the blood flows, the brain gets active; you see things, hear things, and ideas can come to you.

I was recently updating some software and I got the usual “Click here to accept this agreement” dialog box. As I clicked through 2 of these screens as quickly as is humanly possible, I found myself wondering where else I was accepting agreements without bothering to read or, worse, think about them.

So often, we give no thought to casual things we say or do, not fully understanding the scope of the agreement we’ve just made. “I’ll call you.” “I’ll take care of that.” “The un-communicated agreements we make in our various relationships.” I’m sure the list can be extended quite a bit and you have your own examples.

One of the best ways to figure out if you are indeed making unconscious agreements is to look at why people are ticked off at you, because so many of these agreements have to do with expectations. For many people, “I’ll call you” mean’s “I’m going to call you within a [defined] period of time.” It is not casual or idle conversation meaning “Someday, sometime, I’m gonna call you.” And so, when you don’t call as they think you promised you would, they get ticked at you.

When two people mean the same thing, cool. That works perfectly in that relationship. But if you are one of the “I’m gonna call you someday” people, saying “I’ll call you” to someone who takes that as a commitment, an agreement to communicate in the very near future, you are going to run into problems.

The best way around these unspoken agreements and expectations is to clearly define what you mean. If you mean tonight, say “I’m going to call you tonight”. If you mean sometime in the future, say “I don’t know when I’ll get a chance in the next few weeks, but I’ll call you when things settle down.” These are just examples, but you can see how you are setting different expectations.

Once YOU’VE defined what you mean, then stick to it, because, like it or not, you’ve just made a commitment. Just like the software company, once you’ve clicked to accept the agreement, you are responsible for meeting the expectations explicit in the agreement.

As you go through your week this week, pay special attention to where you are making unconscious agreements. If you are comfortable with where and when you are doing it, then you’re in a good place. If paying attention to these unspoken agreements makes you uncomfortable, then figure out how you are going to change the expectations you set with others.

The question of how to tell if someone is lying has come to the forefront of popular culture thanks to the popular Fox TV drama ‘Lie to Me’. People always want to know what are the signs when someone is telling a lie and how to spot a liar. This is understandable since wars start, relationships end, businesses collapse and the guilty walk free because of deception.

Lie Detection: A Subject Plagued Full By Myths and Lies

Unfortunately there are many myths and lies surrounding lie detection that lead to innocent people being wrongly accused of deception, or worse still, found guilty of a criminal offense. The following examples are a sample of some popular myths. Contrary to popular belief:

• A lie detector test is only 60-80% accurate. How accurate, largely depends on the skill of the machine operator.
• If a person looks you in the eye, that does not mean they are telling the truth. Many experienced liars do this deliberately, seeking to take advantage of a popular myth.
• Conversely, if a person looks away, that does not mean they are lying. People often avert their gaze with people they are comfortable with, when trying to clarify their thoughts.
• No single deception indicator, whether nonverbal or vocal, can 100% accurately determine deception.

Is there a Reliable Way of being Able to Tell if Someone is Lying?

There are many factors which make can make an attempt at lie detection unreliable. Examples include the cultural context, how experienced and skilled the liar is and also what biases and prejudices the accuser may have.

If you want to be effective in detecting lies, then you must use all of your senses. In his landmark research, Professor Albert Mehrabian established that 55% of our messages are communicated through our physical behavior and appearance, 38% from the sound of our voice, while only 7% of what we actually say, has any impact.

This means that if you want to accurately decode what you are being told, you need to adopt a holistic approach to lie detection. This means closely observing the other person’s body language and facial expressions. Listening carefully to how they are speaking, focusing on their vocal pitch and tone. And looking for inconsistencies and discrepancies in the version of events they describe.

Because no single behavior can be relied on as an accurate indicator of deception, experienced lie detectors look for ‘clusters’ of signals. A ‘cluster’ means a group of signals appearing around the same time. A change in a person’s physical behavior, coupled with a raising in the pitch of their voice may indicate deception.

While it is not possible for any person to be 100% accurate when detecting lies, it is possible when adopting a holistic approach, to gain a statistical advantage. As with all skills, the more your practice the more effective and accurate you will be at lie detection.

We use body language to send messages to those around us. Body language can tell others when we are happy, sad, angry, disgusted, silly, flirtatious and more. However, body language can sometimes send the wrong message. When meeting new people it is important to present the right messages with your body language. This requires you to know your body language with some degree of accuracy. Let us look at some common body language mistakes.

Misreading body language is a very common mistake and most of us do it at one time or another. Take for example, the young man leaning against the convenience store wall, leg bent back at the knee, and foot planted against the wall. He’s wearing a large thick coat and looks out of place, like he doesn’t belong there. As you drive by you interpret his body language to mean he’s a hoodlum of some sort, unemployed and just wasting time hanging out. But you don’t consider that he is waiting for a ride to go to work. You have just misread the body language of this young man and interpreted his behavior inaccurately. Now let us look at your body language and how people might misread you.

As we have all heard the eyes are the windows to the soul and eye contact when not used while listening or talking can send the wrong message about you. Most people perceive a lack of eye contact as a form of disinterest and, even though you are interested in the other person, if you don’t maintain eye contact, that person who is talking can misinterpret you and may bring the meeting and conversation to an end. Another common body language mistake is crossing the arms or placing something in front of you, such as a book, chair, or other object. For some people the crossing the arms or placing something in front of you sends the message that you are unapproachable because you have placed a barrier in front of yourself.

Some men do cross their arms when talking to another, doing this without really knowing they are. We have all seen that self-confident man do this as he listens or talks to us or to another. His conversation and attitude are pleasant, but those crossed arms. What are they saying?

Silliness and immaturity is another form of body language, but has its time and place. Having fun and hanging out with good, well established friends at the park may be an acceptable time and place to let it all hang out. But if you are at a social function and trying to meet new people this certainly would not be the time and place for this kind of body language. When meeting new people it can be advantageous to show your humorous side, but to become goofy probably won’t attract new people to you. In fact, you might get glances of disgust from those around you.

Improper posturing is a common body language mistake. Slouching, and for women, uncrossed legs, can present you as sloppy, lazy and just plain unaware. At home or hanging out with good friends you can probably sit any way you want and not be misinterpreted. But out in public places where you are trying to make a good impression and meet new people you want to stand confidently erect or sit with your legs crossed. This can send the message of self-control and pride.

Not smiling at new acquaintances is a sure way to put people off. It is a guaranteed way to cause people to avoid you, even though you may not truly mean anything behind it. If you do not smile, even a little, people will perceive you as unapproachable. So smile and win some friends! Now you know the common body language mistakes to avoid, you have plenty to smile about!