Relationships Articles

Ever wonder why some people choose to handle their divorce through mediation or arbitration rather than going to court? Here are some of the advantages mediation and arbitration offer.

Value - In mediation, a complete divorce and parenting agreement can generally be reached in 8-16 hours. Of course, if the two of you cannot agree on the color of the sky, you had better plan on it taking double that time. The hourly rate of one mediator is about half the hourly rate of two attorneys arguing about the same issues. In mediation, even if each of you consults with an attorney for an hour or so before, after, or during mediation, your costs will still be significantly lower than going to court. Having your mediator take on the dual role of arbitrator during an impasse will also save you time and money, since you won’t have to explain all of the details again to someone new. An arbitration award is binding, just as a court order is.

Flexibility - Courts are overwhelmed with more cases then they have time to hear. You might have two days worth of information you want the court to consider, but the court might only have half a day to take your case. In addition, courts are required to follow rules of evidence that often limit the information they can consider during your case. Information you might think is crucial to understanding your situation cannot be considered by the court if it is hearsay or not presented correctly. Using an arbitrator who is experienced in family law is an excellent way to fully and completely present your case. Arbitrators have more time and are not bound by the rules of evidence. Arbitration is more relaxed than court and can usually be scheduled in a matter of days or weeks instead of months. To increase your flexibility further, you can combine mediation with arbitration, as mentioned above.

Control - During mediation, you are in control of your own process and your own agreement. The mediator will guide the process you have chosen, but you are free to change direction and to make agreements that might be unconventional. Courts generally do not have time to be creative in making orders regarding property distribution, parenting issues or support; you are more likely to get a one-size-fits-all solution. A mediated agreement, on the other hand, will be crafted specifically for your unique situation. Although arbitration is generally more formal than mediation, you still have control over how formal you want the process to be. If you want the arbitrator to decide some issues, but not others, you can provide these specifics in your agreement to arbitrate.

If you’re looking for more value, flexibility and control during your divorce proceedings, consider mediation, arbitration, or a combination of both as alternatives to court.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, LLC

No matter what our financial background, we all have unique money stories imprinted upon us from a young age. And whether we’re conscious or not of what we’ve absorbed, we all pass along these stories, feelings and attitudes to our children, partners, friends and colleagues. Even if you don’t talk much about the topic, that in itself, is part of your story.

The first step in getting a handle on your money story is to figure out what your parents or other childhood models taught you about money. This influence is so strong that most adults recreate family money dynamics — the familiar — in one of three ways:

1. Being attracted and attractive to people who are similar to those “childhood models”

2. Interpreting other people’s behaviour as being similar to your parents or childhood models(whether it’s the same or not)

3. Doing all you can to get the other person to exhibit familiar behaviours.

Here’s the kicker: Even if you consciously choose someone who’s different from your mom or dad, it’s likely you’ll unconsciously try to change that person so they fit into the family blueprint (which is why we often get angry at a partner for not being who we want them to be). What you can do to address your money story from ruining future relationships

Here are some tips:

Tip #1: Ask yourself, “How did my parents or other role models relate with one another over money? What did I see them do? How did they talk to one another about money? What did they teach me, directly and indirectly?” Another excellent way to uncover this truth is to make a list: “My father said the following about money…” and “My mother said the following about money…” Review these lists and circle anything that is similar to the way you or your partner behaved.

Tip #2: Get clear on your real feelings about your parents and your unresolved upsets with them. Do you feel in separation, divorce or widowhood that your family did not give you the proper foundation to help you now cope? Did you get married as a safe haven from having to address many issues of independence? Write a letter to your parents venting any negative feelings, and read it every day for at least three days — and then burn it.

Tip #3: Did you communicate about money with your former spouse by getting upset or by shutting down? Since honesty is crucial to building trust, how honest were you with yourself and your partner? Did you simply just hand over the reins of power to avoid conflict? Was this your form of honesty and trust building? Did you imply or actually say, “I leave it to you, I trust you to take care of me?” These are powerful questions you need to ask yourself to get to the bottom of your money story. After all, your money story is a vital key to regaining healthy self-esteem after divorce or during widowhood. The more honest you are, the more likely for your money story to have a happy ending. (Or the easier to turn your lump of coal into a diamond.) Remember, if you don’t address these patterns, they simply repeat themselves in future relationships.

Understanding the root cause of your anxiety

In divorce or after the death of a spouse most of us are quick to seek help. We often turn to health professionals to better understand our heartache and how to make it well again. But while looking after your well being is critical to your emotional health, don’t ignore the health of your financial situation. Perhaps you ignored this while married. If you’re now alone, this lack of knowledge may be the root cause of your fear and anxiety.

Don’t pooh-pooh the idea of a money coach professional Odd, but most of us don’t think of getting a professional money coach to help us handle specific issues that seem too complex or difficult to resolve on our own. Yet in many cases, talking to a money coach is the best and quickest way to intervene and stop recurrent money problems. Over and over again, I hear the common refrain: “I don’t have money to invest, therefore I don’t need help with my money.” Yes, money management does encompass the outer game of wealth building and well-being. It is, however, more than just investing. It can include:

Credit and debt management

Insurance - disability, loss of wages, health, etc.

Children’s education plans

Tax strategies

Investment strategies

Succession planning

Business succession planning

A money coach professional can help you manage your thoughts so you have the tools and resources to take action to help ensure that you’re protected and able to select the right resources to support your emotional and financial well being. By trying to answer some of today’s questions, you’re starting on a path to financial healing. This is an enormous step and one that is guaranteed to help build a foundation for healthy self-esteem.

It is very common to hear stories of men ending up losing their home, kids, car and all their money following a divorce.  Why is this?

Women are often given the advantage in the divorce process.  Also men are also often ill-prepared legally.  With the mental strain and emotional upset involved in a divorce, thinking straight can be difficult.  But this is one of the most important times to keep a clear mind and prepare yourself for the legal battle ahead. 

Feelings for your recently separated partner may be still strong, but these must be put aside.  Look at the process from a clinical and undetached view as much as possible.  Start with a list of what you believe you should take from the relationship.  Be realistic.  Be careful not to be “kind hearted” and give away too much, at the same time, do not try and get everything.  But it is best to lean towards trying to take too much rather than not enough.  If you go into negotiations not demanding much, it is likely some of this will be taken from you and you will be left with less than you deserve. 

During legal negotiations (be it in court or otherwise), be careful not to let any emotion be involved.  Attempt to keep your replies calm and without resulting to swearing, name calling or pointless accusations.  The more you present yourself as a calm and centred person, the better your chances of getting what you asked from the negotiations. 

Basically there are two reasons for divorce which can be pointed out in the court . They are either divorce on fault grounds or no fault grounds divorce. Nevertheless, the true and less apparent reasons for a couple decision to divorce are often more interesting to study.

It is easier to see the reasons behind fault based divorce. Since evidence must be presented to the judge in order to verify why a divorce should be based on fault, there will be ample verification of the facts.

In a no fault based divorce, the reasons are so different that it is unlikely that two people would have the same reason why. Since divorce is so personal, people will answer their question from their own view.

Clearly, from all the statistical evidence that has been collected, there are usually a number of factors that contribute to divorce. Variations in the way parents raise their children, illegal drug use, or lack of funds can all be responsible. Additionally, environmental factors during your childhood also contribute greatly. Children of divorce are twice as likely to get divorced themselves.

Statistics seem to indicate that cohabitation before marriage increases the likelihood for divorce. Part of the correlation between premarital cohabitation and the eventual failure of the marriage is due to the pressure put on the couple to marry regardless of the status of their relationship. It’s possible that a couple who lives together before marriage may not have the same respect for the marital institution and, therefore, may not work as hard to maintain the marriage.

In conclusion,  no one wants to go through the divorce process for whatever the reasons.

Are you aware that there are actually 2 different types of situations when ending a marriage. If you are really trying to stop a divorce, you must recognize which situation you are in first before acting upon to save the relationship. It is very important that we pinpoint the problems first and analyze accordingly before applying the methods to solve the problems.

Situation 1: The Undesirable Scenario Where Divorce Came in Suddenly

Those who fall under this situation are wondering, “How can I stop my divorce when I did not want it in the first place.” The real problem really lies in you and you have to work out where actually went wrong. Most people may explain without judgment or accusations, that they think the marriage is worth saving and that they do not want a divorce. You may have tried this before maybe more than once but the way you say it can make a real difference if you manage to do it correctly. Therefore, make sure you do it the right way.

In a relationship, it is very important to be very mature and calm when handling any situations even if it is a divorce. It is not always easy to be cool as divorce is an emotional and painful experience. Remember this: Never scream, accuse or point fingers at your spouse if you want to get them back as all those unpleasant actions will cause the situation to get worst and give your spouse even more reasons to get away from you.

Solution Towards Situation 1

What you really need to do is to let go of the anger and resentment you feel towards your spouse and really willing to work on your problems. However, you must realize that this relationship may not go back to the way it was before but some changes must be done to make it better. Suggest marital counseling to your spouse and explain, “I want to stop our divorce,” but make it clear you know your spouse was unhappy with the way things were, and you’re ready to make them better in order to have a happy family.

Situation 2: You made the decision to end the marriage

If you fall under this situation of being the one who made the decision to end the marriage and you are wondering, how can I stop my divorce? You should realize that you are in a much better position than most people trying to save their marriage.

Solution Towards Situation 2

What you really need to do in order to stop the divorce is to swallow your pride and apologize to your spouse. Provide a valid explanation to your spouse about your harsh decision and you really have regretted it now. Explain the whole situation that you no longer want the divorce, and you never really wanted it. Let your spouse know that you actually spoke out of anger and you were really wrong.

It may seem to be a difficult step to actually apologize for our own mistakes but it is a necessary thing to do. Since you were the one who brought up the divorce issue, your spouse might have started seriously considering and thinking that it’s a good idea, too. When you want to know, “How to stop a divorce,” you need to discover what your spouse thinks of the idea and make it clear that you were wrong. Unless they have had a lot of time and reason to decide that you were right and divorce is the best step, you can probably save the marriage just by admitting you made a mistake.

If you are thinking about going to divorce courts as your own legal counsel to save money on the proceedings, then you should know that there are other expenses to worry about. Not hiring a lawyer may only cut down your expenses, and not by any considerable degree. You still have to contend with all the paperwork required for the divorce proceedings and afterward.

Acquiring copies of necessary documents may entail some expenses; as well as making several copies of the papers you need to submit at the courthouse. Aside from that, you and your spouse also need to split the cost for each and every time you appear before a judge at the court.

Going through a divorce can be tough on anyone. But it can also wreak havoc on whatever money you have saved for a rainy day (if you have that, in the first place). Naturally, divorcing couples would not want to stay under one roof. Unless you get to remain within the domicile you have been occupying, you need to find a place of your own.

Since you are not sharing daily expenses anymore with your spouse, bills can pile up on that department as well. A number of stay-at-home spouses unfailingly find themselves without any source of income. And trying to find a new job can cost money as well.

This is difficult enough if you have to work this out on your own, but if you also have to care for your kids as well, you know that expenses can multiple almost by a hundred fold.

Today it’s possible to quickly connect with thousands of likeminded people right from home via the internet and through the many online divorce support forums on the web. If you want to remain completely anonymous and disclose all of the gory details of your divorce, you have the chance to do so, or, you also have the option of using your real name and deciding how much about yourself and your situation you’d like to reveal.

A good place to start is by reading reviews or comments from people who have already used the forum, as that is one of the best ways to truly gauge what it’s all about and whether or not you’d be interested in participating before actually signing up. People have opinions about everything, and online forums, regardless of the subject matter, are certainly no different.

Signing up for an account and “lurking,” which is what it’s called when someone reads through a forum posts but doesn’t contribute anything, for a while is perfectly acceptable if you want to get a good feel for the type of posts and the conversations that go on there. Plus, you’ll also be able to see just how often comments are made, as if people are only contributing once or twice a month, you may want to look for another forum with more activity going on. Just don’t waste time lurking anywhere for too long as you’ll be missing out on the fun and camaraderie that abounds. If you’re already familiar with the way online forums work, then you know you’ll have to have a valid email address to register, and then choose a user name as well as a password. Different forums will have varying features and ways to personalize all of your posts. If you know HTML, most forums allow you to add the tags right in to your posts, or for the rest of us, simply use the built-in interface for things like adding color text, links to websites, and even personal images to your posts.

The best online divorce forums will have numerous categories to choose where to put your posts and comments, including, for example, a section for people who are new to the forum can introduce themselves and be welcomed by the regulars. There should also be a place to ask questions about using the forum itself, as well as questions related to matters regarding divorce and relationships. Most forums will also have a section for parenting and custody issues, child support, and where to go for help or if you’ve been a victim of abuse.

Social networking is becoming all the rage as now there are countless websites and forums devoted to meeting and interacting with people both in your own backyard and on the other side of the world, proving that you are not alone in this emotionally trying time. By joining an online forum devoted to the subject of divorce you never know who you’ll meet, what type of great information you will learn, and what links to other useful sites you may discover in your virtual travels.

If you are really considering starting divorce proceedings then it is essential that you are well prepared before actually commencing them. By doing this it will make the whole process go a lot more smoothly and cause you less stress and pain as well. Also be well prepared will ensure that you can make more sound and informed decisions about your future life. When it comes to getting divorced there are many pitfalls associated with the whole process but if you keep the following divorce tips for women in mind, you will be able to cope with any eventuality.

Tip 1 - The first that you should be doing when it comes to thinking about filing for divorce is to get together all essential paperwork. You need to get together everything relating to your and your partner since you have been married. So arrange to collect details of all bank accounts, credit cards, investments and mortgage details along with any other asset or debts that you have both as a couple and as individuals. Finally if you can also make sure that you have information relating to your last 3 years tax returns, along with information relating to your what your employment situation is and what your salary is if you are working.

Tip 2 - When getting ready to start divorce proceedings it is a good idea to have a clear understanding of what your financial situation is. The best way of doing this is by looking at the debts you and your partner owe against what assets you may have. When we talk about assets we mean investments, savings along with any equity that you have in the property that you jointly own. Once you know the assets you have then you subtract the debts that you and your partner jointly have and this will tell you just how much the marital estate is worth and which is often divided equally between the couple.

Tip 3 - Even during the early stages of when you are considering to divorce your partner you should seek legal advice as soon as possible. A good family lawyer will be able to help you better understand the procedures relating to all divorce matters. A good lawyer will be able to help you not only understand the procedures relating to divorce but also will clearly spell out what options are available to you.

Tip 4 - It is extremely vital that when you are preparing to file for divorce that you ensure that all your finances are in order especially your tax return. The last thing you want to be faced with just as the divorce is about to be finalized is problems concerning your tax returns as a married couple. If you are in any way worried that your partner has not filed tax returns correctly, then why not arrange to file your own as a married person but with the note that you have chosen to file yours separately from your partners.

Tip 5 - Something else you will need to make sure that you have sorted out before you file for divorce is if you have sufficient life, medical and health insurance coverage. Most people once they get married choose to take out insurance policies together rather than separately simply because it will save them money. Therefore, as soon as you are ready to file for divorce you need to get all the right sorts of insurance coverage in place. Along with medical, health and life insurance coverage for you and any children you may have you need to make sure you have insurance coverage for your home and any vehicles you use.

By being well prepared before filing for your divorce you will find that you are better able to cope with any situations that may arise. Also it is vital that you take into consideration all aspects of your divorce especially if there are children involved. Although you may be under some considerable stress yourself just imagine what your children are going through as well. By having everything prepared hopefully your and your partner can carry out the divorce in the most amicable way possible.

In order for you to avoid the pitfalls that many women before have faced when it comes to divorce is to be well prepared. If you remember the above divorce tips for women that we have mentioned above then you may find yourself better to cope with the stresses and strains that this situation can put on you.

Early neutral evaluation, like mediation, is focused on resolving divorce issues outside of court. Early neutral evaluation (ENE) is getting a lot of attention lately because it has been very successful in helping couples settle their divorce or separation cases early in the process, even if the conflict between them is high.

What is ENE?

ENE is a dispute-resolution process that is designed to help couples settle their divorce or separation early in the process, allowing parties to avoid the ongoing expense and pressure of litigation. During ENE, a couple can each share their side of the story and their feelings and frustrations. Then, they receive an expert assessment of their case, allowing them to make informed decisions about settlement.

How does ENE work?

A two-person ENE team usually consists of mental health professionals and/or lawyers, with specific expertise in working with divorcing and separating families. They listen to the issues that are causing the highest conflict between you, then offer feedback and suggestions for settlement based on your unique family situation. At that point, they move into a more traditional mediation role.

In your first meeting with the ENE team, each of you will provide information about your family, your break-up, your children, specific concerns and your desired outcome. If financial issues are involved, you will present those as well. The ENE team may ask to hear everything at once, or may deal with the parenting issues and the financial issues separately.

You will each have about 25 minutes to present your information. After you have both presented your initial information, you will each have another 10 minutes or so to respond to things the other person brought up. Part of the value of ENE is that during these presentations, each of you is talking directly to the ENE team instead of arguing with each other. After both of you have talked about what’s important to you, the ENE team will ask questions to help clarify information and positions, and will identify any areas where you are already in agreement.

After they’ve heard your information, the ENE team meets privately to evaluate the case and consider settlement suggestions for the parties. They may come back with a request for more information, or they may be ready to give their recommendations right away.

The joint meeting will then resume and the team will present its evaluative impressions and provide settlement options, including suggestions regarding decision-making and parenting time. The team might also suggest other services that would be helpful to the family such as counseling, parenting classes, drug or alcohol education or treatment, or communication classes.

After the ENE team has offered its feedback and settlement suggestions, there will be a break to give you time to think about the suggestions and discuss them with your attorney(s), if any. At this point the team will then move into a mediation role to help you work out the details of an agreement.

How does ENE differ from mediation?

Both mediation and early neutral evaluation help you settle your divorce early in the process. In mediation, the mediator helps you clarify the issues, maintain clear communication, achieve balance between you, and manage the process in a way that allows you to move forward. Your ENE team, on the other hand, will first give you very direct and specific recommendations and make suggestions for your settlement details, before moving into that mediation process.

The goal of both mediation and early neutral evaluation is to help you reach early settlement of your divorce or separation that satisfy both of you and benefit your children.

We receive many inquiries from people agonizing over the choice between staying in an unhappy, unsatisfying relationship or leaving and potentially being alone. The majority of them are more worried about being alone for the rest of their lives and because of this, remain stuck in their relationships.

There are other options, as we outline below, especially if you are willing to view your situation from a more spiritual perspective.

Case study problem #1:

“When I was 25 I met the love of my life, John, yet he broke up with me after 2 years. We remained best friends and the affair never really ended. I always compared everyone to him, and he always came back to me when in trouble. Eventually, we got back together. I’ve caught him cheating four times in the last three years and I don’t know if I can take it again, but the idea of being on my own seems worse to me….”

Traditional thinking and solution:

Turn a blind eye to your partner’s infidelities and be grateful you have someone in your life. You’ve invested all this time together and it would be a shame to throw it all away.

Alternative Suggestion:

You are allowing him to continue to disrespect you because you’re afraid to be alone. Though your situation is karmic, it’s in your best interest to use your f.ree will to react compassionately. Take back your power, be strong, and bow out. You will be f.ree to work on yourself and eventually meet someone who is more respectful and compatible.

How much time you’ve invested with each other is never a good reason to stay together, especially if he’s betraying your trust. Look at it this way, the spiritual (most important) reasons for relationships are about learning, understanding, and growth; how long they last is irrelevant. Many people place great importance on the length of a relationship, but if it’s done it’s done, even if a couple stays together. Besides, as soon as he betrayed your trust, the relationship died as you knew it. As far as him being the love of your life, you don’t know that for sure until the end of your life.

Alternative Suggestion:

If you can’t live without him (and you probably can), redefine the relationship and tell him his actions have shown you that he cannot or will not be monogamous. Since the problem with cheating is ultimately more about dishonesty than s.e.x (other than insecurity about the loss of a partner or fear of disease), your relationship may work, in a different form, if he is willing to be brutally honest when he feels like straying, and does so safely and responsibly. But you would need to be very adult-like in how you handle his confessions, and it’slikely that he would not be able to handle you dating other people. Both of you seeing this all from a spiritual perspective (everyone has many soul mates, no one owns anyone, s.e.x is not love and doesn’t have to be exclusive to traditional love relationships, s.e.x purely for the enjoyment of s.e.x between two consenting adults is perfectly acceptable, etc.) would also help a lot.

Case study problem #2:

“I didn’t automatically ‘click’ with my boyfriend Jason, yet we shared a world view, and we ended up moving in together and building a life. He’s the most loving and genuine man I’ve ever met, yet I often think about the bond I had with a previous lover that doesn’t seem to be there with Jason. I’ve considered ending it, but I don’t want to be alone and I worry that perhaps I’m asking for too much, and running after a dream that isn’t real…”

Traditional thinking and solution:

You can’t have everything in a relationship, and you should feel lucky that you’ve found a good person to be with.

Alternative Suggestion:

Though it’s good to realize that “Prince Charming” or the perfect partner does not exist, your attraction to Jason is based on your logical mind reasoning about why you should like him, should be attracted to him, and should feel that connection with him.

But as you know, you don’t feel that connection with him. It’s either there, or it isn’t, and between you two, it’s not. This is not your fault or his, it just is what is. Perhaps you cite a fear of hurting his feelings as the reason why you don’t break up with him. After all, he is such a nice guy.

Think of your situation this way: you are being selfish. Breaking up with him would be doing him a favor; he would be available for someone more compatible with whom he would share that special connection that you two don’t have. The comprehensive numerology and astrology natal and timing charts, along with psychic insight, tell us you both are better off as friends.

If you are unhappily involved or single and fear being alone it’s within your power and your f.ree will to learn to love your time alone. But first you must confront the fear of solitude and discover its origins. Even if past lives are just metaphors in your subconscious mind, regression therapy can help, as can meditation.

Copyright © Scott Petullo, Stephen Petullo