The important thing to remember when dealing with children who have witnessed or been a part of family violence is that, the age of the child and the severity and frequency of the witnessed abuse all play a role is how they were affected by the family violence. Studies have shown that the younger the child, the better the success rate of healing the trauma. That is not to say that the older child will not be healed, just that the healing takes longer.

Children have to relearn feeling safe, to trust and to live without feeling that they always have to be on guard. This takes time and energy on the part of the parent who has left an abusive situation. Counseling is also something that should be considered for the child since the one of one time of the session provides an opportunity for the child to open up and explore her/his feelings without worrying about hurting the parents. This is especially true when the child talks about his angry feelings at the helplessness of the family violence situation. The child might not be eager to express those feelings to a parent who is already seen as hurting by the child. Most children are in the protect mode and will not say or do anything to make that parent feel pain. Mothers for the most part withdraw somewhat from interactions with their children due to the depression they are experiencing.

Tiptoeing around issues is one thing that children of family violence get really good at. They do not want to rock the boat when the house is peaceful and they are aware that their Mom is feeling some negative emotions and is likely to be more prone to irritability, anger and depression. Since they see the Mom as dealing with her own stuff, children tend to avoid discussions about what they may be troubled about and instead become more independent as they manage their own lives. Some children are lucky and have a strong person in their life outside of the family home that they can turn to for support and other children find a support person in the community to talk to.

The child who withdraws into his or her self is the one to most worry about because the reality is that child is experiencing fears, anxieties, depression, and anger, likely is becoming more aggressive and may be having thoughts of suicide. Other behaviors like insomnia and excessive clinginess are also likely to be present. Many of the children who have witnessed family violence tend to have more physical complaints such as stomach aches and headaches than those children from calm and safe homes. They tend to have more erratic schedules and may get less sleep which breaks down the body’s immune system. These children also have problems with social situations and tend not to act appropriately when dealing with friends or the community. Having a secret that your family is one who lives with domestic or family violence is huge and not something a child feels comfortable sharing with friends. To hide the secret, children play pretend and say everything is wonderful. They will get angry when someone suggests otherwise and therefore encounter problems dealing with conflict. Since aggression is something these children see all the time, it is not abnormal for them to use aggression when trying to resolve problems.

To help these children heal a number of things must happen. A person who is a support person or counselor has to make the child feel safe enough to explore their feelings. Often this is accomplished through a variety of play therapy techniques. Playing a game with a child provides a wonderful opportunity for the child to relax and concentrate on something other than the feelings being experienced. It provides an safe opportunity to have conversations which start off generic but as the trust builds will become more complex and revealing. Another good way to get a child to open up is to go for walks because this lessens distractions and gives both parties one on one time. Puppet shows with both the child and the supportive adult having a puppet allows for a dialogue to open up and the adult can allow the child to take the lead and discuss whatever they want to. Books are also wonderful tools because after reading a story together, the child will feel comfortable to share his/her own feelings. Even building Lego together provides an opportunity to talk, to complete a task without getting frustrated or angry and builds on feelings of trust since the adult is presenting as caring, listening and supportive. Any type of art project is also a wonderful tool because this gives the child carte blanche to paint, draw or sculpt anything they want to and their finished project always tells a story that the adult can discuss with the child.

It is about making the child feel safe, cared about and respected so that they can share their feelings. It is about making time for the child who has witnessed violence in their home. It is about giving hugs and attention and love so that the child feels protected and loved. It is about understanding the fears and anxieties that the child is feeling and dealing with those feelings in a realistic and calming fashion. It is about not devaluing those feelings but allowing open communication so that they feel free to explore them. It is about not keeping the secret about the violence that is so important so the child no longer feels the guilt about lying about the home situation. It is about honesty about what the mom and the child is feeling at all times. It is about making a place for the abuser in the child’s life when it is appropriate so the child feels that parents love. It is about explaining the difference between an abusers behaviors and the abuser as a person which is going to help the child sort it all out. It is the acknowledgment that a problem is there and has to be dealt with. It is about making a place in the family’s lives for professionals to give them guidance to aid the healing process. It is about being a good role model for these children so they can learn about appropriate behaviors. It is also about making the child understand the difference between normal and not normal behaviors so that they can modify those behaviors which will be detrimental to them in the future. It is about making them strong and healthy physically and emotionally so that they won’t repeat the same patterns in adulthood.

Emotional abuse can be insidious and more difficult to identify than physical abuse, which can leave obvious marks. Often, the victim is unaware that it is occurring, and finds him or herself believing the he or she is inferior, worthless, incapable, and even crazy, and that the partner could be right and reasonable to criticize and control the victim’s behavior. Over time the victim may feel as if he or she does not have the strength or resources to leave the emotional abuser, and is unable to break away. Here are 5 signs of emotional abuse in a relationship:

1. Criticism comes your way from your partner on a regular basis. Put downs are common, but it can also be as subtle as “suggestions” from your partner about how to do things the “right” way.

2. When you arrive home at the end of the day, you feel obligated or forced to give an account of your daily activities - and defend yourself for your choices. If you are interested in an educational or work opportunity, your partner is frequently negative or discouraging of it - or anything else that takes you out of his or her control and gives you more independence.

3. You find yourself increasingly isolated from friends and family members. Your partner might put pressure on you, or outright prohibit you from seeing certain people.

4. When you are intimate with your partner, it seems less a mutual expression of love and care than an issue of control. He or she might demand you meet his or her physical need, or take the opposite tack and purposefully withhold affection and intimacy from you.

5. You find yourself walking on eggshells often, concerned about the consequences of not meeting your partner’s demands and needs. Sometimes your partner does a kind thing for you, but it is random or a reaction to you pulling away from the relationship, rather than a sincere attempt to establish a new pattern of behavior and better treatment of you. Sooner or later the abuse cycle will begin again.

People who are not victims of domestic violence always wonder why women fail to just leave when they are abused. If you get first hand explanation from this women you will understand why they stay put. No amount of abuse can make them change their decision because of social and emotional factors that are more practical. One of the reasons why women stay in abusive relationships is because they fear further violence. If the woman leaves, the abusive relationship may come to an end but the violence continues. The perpetrators of violence have the tendency of tracking them down and abusing them further. A recent research has proved that women who try to leave are usually followed for months and weeks and finally murdered.

Among the serious reasons why women stay in abusive relationships is because of lack of knowledge. The bible says that my people perish because of lack of knowledge. Information is a very important tool especially in relationships. In a relationship, two people from different families live together and it is not as simple as it sounds. Women have limited knowledge about legal and housing rights. Some know about it but have problems in expressing themselves. The language becomes a problem and the responses from the service providers discourage them to open up. Lack of funds and also living in isolated areas inhibit them from getting the appropriate help. Another major reason is economic dependency. Money is the root of all evil. People put up with trash especially if there is money.

A woman might choose to stay in an abusive relationship just because the idea of being a single mother sends a chill of cold blood down her spine. The society has demonized single mothers as people who are not complete and are criticized at any given opportunity. The church will intimidate the woman and her children, the children might be ridiculed at school and the responsibility of raising the children alone might be scary. The woman might lose her job and the legal wrangles concerning finance and property are not any less tasking. Many reasons why women stay in abusive relationships surround the issue of children. They are the major reason women put up with abuse in relationships. They want the best for the children and more so to grow up seeing their father.

Among the reasons why women stay in abusive relationships is isolation. Their partners have made sure that they have created social isolation in their lives. They are separated from sources of any support. They are not close to friends and family so they cannot tell them about their ordeal because of fear of judgement. Another reason has to do with cultural beliefs. They have been brought up to believe that being a wife and a mother is the only good thing. Their culture teaches that divorce is wrong. They often feel emotional confusion. There are conflicting feelings of shame, fear and care for the violent man. They keep on hoping that things will get better. Their self esteem is destroyed and so they don’t believe they can do anything on their own.

Emotionally abusive relationships are not always easy to recognize particularly from the inside of it. There are no obvious marks or bruises, as there are in physical abuse. Yet the damage that occurs as a result of long term emotional abuse can be devastating. If you find yourself feeling as if you are inferior, worthless, incapable, or even begin questioning your own mental stability when you spend time with your partner, it merits a closer investigation into the dynamic in your relationship. Here are 6 signals that you might be involved in an emotionally abusive relationship:

1.       You find yourself feeling inferior, incompetent, or begin questioning your own sanity and self worth as a result of being around your partner. He or she may be insulting or critical toward you, to the point where you question almost everything you do.

2.      You are pressured to give up time with friends and family and spend time exclusively with your partner. Isolation is a powerful tool for an emotional abuser; it keeps you from hearing more positive and accurate messages about your value, and keeps you from hearing too much criticism of your partner’s behavior.

3.      If you desire to work or pursue further education, your partner may discourage you from going after these goals. Keeping you dependent is more likely to cause you to stay in the relationship.

4.      You feel as if you must give account of your daily activities, defending what you do and who you do it with. At a certain point you might even realize you are picking activities you know your partner will approve of, just to avoid a confrontation.

5.      You feel sexually exploited or neglected. Instead of feeling as if you are sharing a mutually loving intimate relationship, you are either pressured to meet your partner’s sexual demands, or you are repeatedly rejected when you approach your partner for affection. You may ultimately feel like giving up trying to initiate intimacy in this case.

6.      You feel threatened in a non physical sense, if you do not meet your partner’s requests and demands. On occasion you may experience a kind act from your partner, but this is random or limited to times when they have done something awful and are trying to stop you from leaving. Sooner or later the emotional abuse starts up again.

Depression affects many people at some point or another in their lives. Depression robs us of joy, hope, fulfillment, and energy. The causes of depression are many, and may include unresolved past trauma, current life challenges, grief, and/or brain chemistry issues. One cause that is frequently overlooked is the impact an emotionally or psychologically abusive relationship can have on our mental well being. Here are 6 signs that your depression may have a lot to do with the emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship you are in:

1. Your partner puts you down, publicly or in private. These put downs may be blatant name calling or more subtle criticisms or who you are, how you do things, and even your mental state. The effect is damaging and leaves you feeling inferior, incompetent, perhaps even crazy.

2. Your partner attempts to control your daily activities. You may be prohibited from doing certain things, or feel obligated to report your activities to your partner on a regular basis. You may feel defensive or as if you must justify your actions to your partner, and may even find yourself sticking to doing things that you know your partner will approve of, just to avoid criticism.

3. Your partner discourages you form pursuing work or education opportunities. This tactic helps keep you feeling dependent on your partner for your basic financial security and keeps you feeling down about yourself.

4. Your partner prohibits or pressures you to isolate yourself and stay away from friends and family. He or she may manipulate you by putting guilt on you, “I can’t believe you would rather spend time with her than with me.” This tactic serves the abuser’s agenda in a couple of ways. First, it affirms his or her control over your behavior, and it also keeps you from hearing the more positive and accurate messages about you from your loved ones. It also reduced opportunities for your friends and family to criticize your partner.

5. Your partner uses sex to manipulate and control you, much like a weapon. He or she may demand you meet his or her need for sex and intimacy, regardless of your preferences and mental state. Your partner may take the opposite tack, and deliberately withhold sex and affection from you when you express your desires. This keeps you feeling rejected and inferior, and again affirms the abuser’s control.

6. Your partner threatens you with non-physical consequences for not complying with his or her demands. Once in awhile, your partner may behave kindly or generously toward you, but rather than being a selfless act of love, it is a tactic designed to draw you back into the relationship and into his or her control. Once you are reinvested, the emotionally abusive behavior begins again.

If you are a victim of emotional abuse in your relationship, your scars may be invisible, but they are no less real. The low self esteem, self doubt, and confusion that results from exposure to an emotionally abusive partner can lead to long term difficulties and issues such as diminished self worth, depression, withdrawal, substance abuse issues, and other signs of chronic trauma and stress. If you feel that your partner is becoming violent or has the potential to be so, listen to your instincts and work with an abuse issues counselor or domestic violence shelter to help you stay safe. In emotionally abusive relationships, it is important to acknowledge that a traumatic event has taken place after an incident of verbal or emotional abuse. Here are the last 2 of 4 strategies to ease the trauma of the abusive incident:

1.      Talk about your experience. Join an online emotional abuse support group, share with your trusted and supportive friends and family, and speak to a counselor experienced in abuse issues. The more you can bring what is going on into the light of day and expose it, the more the reality of what is occurring can be cemented into your mind and you can be supported and encouraged to take action.

2.      Give yourself a break from interactions with your emotional abuser. Severing contact is of enormous benefit as you attempt to heal from your encounter(s).   The less contact you have with the source of your confusion and pain, the better. Think of it like a dam holding back water. You won’t be able to do that until the water level is down and you can repair the holes.

3.      Do kind things for yourself each day. Make a list of small activities or indulgences you enjoy. Prioritize yourself and send yourself the message that you are worthy by doing at least one of these things on your list each day.

Balancing activity and rest sounds so simple, yet is extremely significant to our well-being and proper functioning. I see domestic violence survivors often ignore this. Doing so compounds their stress.

Domestic Violence and Ignoring Personal Maintenance

Now, I don’t honestly believe that their having been exposed to domestic violence is the cause for not being vigilant about balancing activity and rest. I think it has more to do with the habits they have acquired along the way.

If you’re accustomed to the world revolving around another person, you loss sight of your own internal clock. And if you believe that you are second to this “other person,” then you may even be accustomed to denying the internal signals that come your way.

Some people may even tell you this is a social cultural male-female stereo-type tradition. I believe the conditioning of, and in, abusive relationships is a significant factor for domestic abuse survivors.

Be mindful of your possible predisposition toward this and cultivate habits designed to balance activity and rest. You will find that when you do, your rest is deeper, more restorative and more satisfying. And your activity is more enjoyable, productive and also more satisfying.

3 Tips to Balance Activity and Rest

In closing, I’ll leave you with three starting tips for developing these habits.

1) Make sure you are in bed by 10:00 PM every night. And if your head can meet the pillow earlier, even better.

2) Build into your day the routine of deep wakeful rest (more profound than an ordinary nap) and

3) Exercise appropriate to your health and conditioning.

It’s the simple, little things that often make the biggest difference over time.

Spousal abuse, or domestic violence, is a widely publicized, well known violent crime. Even those not directly associated with the crime are aware of the seriousness. News media and movies document the violent results. Why, then, would anyone exploit the problem by making false allegations? Most reasons deal with maliciousness (wanting revenge or the upper hand) or delusions. Whatever the reasons for the false accusation of spousal abuse, the problem is real, the penalties to the accused are severe (whether convicted or not), and the prevention is slow to develop.

The Problem

Spousal abuse is a very real problem. Though experts may differ greatly in their statistics, most agree there are millions of victims in the United States alone. The word victim also applies to those who are falsely accused. These false allegations deter resources from the true crimes. Law enforcement spends valuable time and resources investigating untrue claims, cluttering an already burdened work load. What about the real victims suffering true abuse? How many are ignored while valuable time is spent researching untrue claims?

The Penalties

Normally, a penalty is reserved for a convicted individual. However, a falsely accused individual suffers immediate ramifications. These accusations can literally destroy lives. The accused can be separated from home and family, endure legal proceedings and even incarceration. The expense of defending against the claim is daunting, not to mention missed work and the emotional toll. The damage to ones reputation at work and in the community is usually irreparable. Seldom does the public recall the accusations were false.

Most state governments treat spousal abuse under domestic abuse laws. Definitions by state can range from specific to general. A generic legal definition of domestic abuse defines it as physical or verbal threatening. When incorporated into laws, this vague definition leaves room for embellishment and outright lies. Suddenly, words shouted in the heat of anger become jail time.

The Prevention

The seriousness of false accusation of spousal abuse is recognized and prevention is possible. There are numerous attorneys specializing in defending those falsely accused and various advocate web sites. However, true prevention remains in the hands of the victim. Retaining legal counsel to fight the accusations is still the most viable answer. The best prevention against misuse of the system is to identify and flag the abusers. The legal system will deal with those who abuse it once they are identified.

The topic of spousal abuse, as a whole, represents a traumatic ordeal for all involved. Whether an honest victim, a wrongfully accused victim or a family member caught in the battle, the situation is frightful. A victim of false accusation of spousal abuse suffers the fate (whether short or prolonged) reserved for guilty individuals. This ongoing problem for which the penalties are severe and the prevention slow makes victims of the innocent.