Relationships Articles

Do you know how some people “let themselves go”? Similarly, sometimes couples let their marriages go also. Just like neglecting your body can affect your physical health, neglecting your relationship can affect the health of your marriage. Read on to discover seven warning signs that you have let your marriage go.

What does it mean when people “let themselves go”? Generally, it means that they have quit investing their time and energy on their bodies. They may have gained weight because they are not exercising or eating the proper foods. Maintaining their looks is no longer a priority. Perhaps they have quit paying attention to their wardrobe, hair, or make-up. Over time, this can take a toll on their appearance and perhaps on their health.

The same thing can happen to marriages. Couples quit investing themselves in their relationships. They get too busy or they are too tired to spend time together. Also, they quit making each other feel special. Our bodies and our marriages take work to maintain in top condition. A lot of times, people do not even realize that they have neglected their marriages until they have drifted apart.

Here are five warning signs that you have started to let your marriage go:

1. You no longer do things together.

Spending time together keeps you in touch with each other. We all change over time and if you are not spending time together you will end up as two strangers living separate lives while living in the same house.

2. You no longer have common interests and goals.

If you quit doing things with each other, you will lose interest in each other. Over time you will not longer have anything in common.

3. You do not talk to each other any more.

Spending quality time talking keeps your relationship cemented together. It is the only way that you will keep up with your spouse’s current goals, desires, and dreams.

4. You do not do special things for each other any more.

Doing those special little things for each other is one way to express your appreciation and love for your mate. It helps you and your spouse feel special about yourselves and your relationship.

5. You have quit touching outside of sex.

Nonsexual touching helps you to connect emotionally and also sets the stage for connecting physically. If you have quit touching outside of sex, then you probably have started to let your marriage go.

6. You are more irritable with each other.

Even though irritability can stem from fatigue and stress, it also can be from unresolved issues. Sometimes it is easier to ignore problems than to deal with them. Those problems can eventually fester and damage the foundation of your marriage.

7. You no longer look forward to your future together.

Neglecting your relationship will eventually leave your feeling cold about your marriage and your future together.

In today’s world, marriages are under attack. Whether it is challenges within the relationship, a cheating partner, or the stress of the outside world, keeping a marriage alive can become a challenge.

I was in a 15 year marriage and, unfortunately, it fell apart. While there was no infidelity, the love we had vanished. Looking back on it, there were signs early that could have prevented this from happening. We should have been more open to one another, more available to discuss the challenges we were having, etc. Alas, it was not so, and we drifted apart and became roommates, rather than the soul mates we should have been.

It is not necessary for this to happen. Even if you are the sole person in the marriage that wants to make it work, you can do so. There are techniques that when used will allow the “problems” to be worked out and can save your marriage.

I have spent time looking at such techniques because I am marrying again soon. She is the love of my life, a true soul mate, and I do not want the same pattern to reoccur this time around. Further, I want others to benefit from the discoveries I have made.

It’s not impossible to change the things that are wrong. A little attention to details, being open to looking at the signs of impending marital doom can save a marriage, bring it back to the days of early love and friendship. Are there issues of unresolved conflict, child issues, money problems, lack of intimacy, constant fighting? Want to know how to fix this?

I can not help you, only you can help you. However, I can help you to overcome some of the challenges you are finding in your relationship. If you desire, deep down, to save your marriage, I urge you to stay tuned, as I will bring you methods that work, secrets to rekindling the love you once had.

Until then, I am,

Phil

Jealousy and insecurity are very destructive forces. Even people who are normally thought of as fairly evolved sometimes suffer from the disease of jealousy, and then all those around them suffer. Where does it come from? What can you do about it? Understanding the mind can help a great deal whether you are the one who is jealous or the one who is affected by someone else’s jealousy.

The mind is sort of like a computer that connects you, the soul, to the world. It has two major parts, the upper mind and the lower mind. The upper mind can be thought of as the direct link to the soul while the lower mind is the direct link to the five senses, which feed information from the world. Because the upper mind is purity itself it is unruffled by contrary thoughts and feelings. But the lower mind is a whirlwind. Let me share a story with you that will help illustrate what happens to the soul when it comes into the world.

Once there was a prince who lived in a beautiful palace compound surrounded by a very high wall. The compound was relatively vast, encompassing hundreds of acres. Because of all the luxuries, the prince had never known any of the sufferings associated with the world outside of the walls. His life was perfect in every way. But one day due to boredom he had the idea of going out into the world to see what it was like. Although his father was aware of his plans he knew his son had to learn for himself what the world was like and he didn’t interfere.

The son/prince, thinking he was very clever, chose a cool evening to execute his plan. He exchanged his clothes with those of his servant and slipped through an unguarded door into the world outside. As he wandered the streets taking in all of the unusual sites he heard a great deal of laughter coming from a tavern. Out of curiosity he went inside with a great smile on his innocent face. Once inside he was immediately taken as a naïve traveler and was immediately subject to the “royal” treatment afforded strangers on the regulars’ turf. He was greeted warmly as if he was an old friend and he was given drink after drink.

The next thing the prince remembered was waking up in the gutter with a huge headache. All of his fine jewelry was gone, his hair was a mess and he didn’t smell anything like the prince of yesterday. The headache he had replaced his memory and he had no idea who he was. From there he wandered around the city trying to recall who he was and why he was so hungry and dirty. Some rude people gave him dirty looks and avoided him, while other more charitable people threw him a few coins.

A few days later, as he became accustomed to his environment, he cleaned up as best he could in a public bath and sought out a job. Within a few months he had acquired a fine job and slowly began to learn a trade as a shoemaker.

By now his father wanted his son back. So he sent out his most trusted nobleman to find him. Before long the nobleman found him, but couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw the king’s son working in a humble shop. The nobleman went up to him but the prince did not recognize him at all. The nobleman did everything he could to remind the prince of who he was but to no avail. When the nobleman repeated the incident to the king he was told to go back out and convince his son of his true nature…

This is an illustration of the state of the soul. We have lost our way and lost our memory. But we are innately perfect and only temporarily confused. Our minds pick up all sorts of destructive habits and tendencies. But we are not our minds, we have minds. And it is up to us to remind ourselves that temporary negative qualities such as jealousy or anger are parasitic appendages rather than who or what we are. By recognizing attacks of jealousy as intrusions upon ourselves we can choose to push them away and reject them. Further, when a loved one is under attack by one of these evil assailants, instead of feeling defensive or victimized, we can assume the qualities of compassion and wait out our loved one’s struggles.

Never think of jealousy as part of yourself or anyone else. Jealousy, like other unwelcome intruders, can be pushed out by the owner of the mind.

Tell your loved one you will always be there for them and say to them with the deepest sincerity of your heart, “I love you.”

“Can you stop behaving like a child?”

“Can you stop being so childish?”

Are these remarks familiar to you?

Couples, be it still in courtship or marriage, exchange such hurting remarks, in an attempt to stop certain behaviours which are deemed as intolerable only to themselves.

Many times, we behave in child-like manner. In fact, almost all of us cope as how we had cope as a child or had seen, as a child, how our parents cope.

What do I meant by that?

Take for example, the girlfriend from young had been given lots of leeway to get what she had always wanted. In situation that she didn’t get what she asked for, she may yell and scream at her parents and the outcome turned out to be positive for her.

Recognising that her behaviour could led to favorable outcome, no doubt she may be using the same tactic on her boy-friend or eventually her husband. Sounds familiar? (These type of people, including guys too, are what we called spoiled brats.)

In another example, the guy, when young, may had seen how his father got beaten or physically abused by his mother. (Nowadays, more and more men get beaten up by their wives too.)

As a child, the guy may have observed that his father cowered in fear and withdrew from people around him. There may be quite a high chance that the guy, may cope in the same way - withdrawing from others, if he is being bullied by his girlfriend or wife.

Many times as we grow up, we may thought that we may have really grown up. However, psychologically, we may be still coping challenges or difficulties as how we had coped as a child.

Technology advances and our environment improves. However, as for us humans, the ability to cope emotionally is still as backward as our ancestors, the cavemen.

The cavemen may be even coping more effectively than us, not having to think so much and can shout and scream whenever they feel like it.

So, next time, if your partner exhibits certain behavior such as throwing of tantrum or screaming or shouting or the likes, take a step backward to really understand why is your partner behaving in this way…what is s/he feeling inside, put ourselves in their shoes and show more empathy. (Remember I talked about understanding your partner fully?)

A direct confrontation such as an insensitive remark is like adding fuel to a spark to cause an outburst of flame.

The most powerful romance doesn’t begin with physical action, but rather with mental contemplation and expectation. It starts with a simple idea or fantasy that develops into closer intimacy between two connected partners. Having a satisfying romantic relationship with your husband or wife takes some thought and leg work, but it doesn’t have be burdensome. In reality, becoming a romantic person can be fun, exciting and fulfilling for you and your spouse.

And if you’re truly committed to making it work, romance will become second nature for you. All you need is:

a willing heart to invest the time,

access to a computer,

and maybe a little creativity.

If you’re a little skeptical, don’t worry, I started with only one of the three too. Here are three keys that have worked for my husband and me.

1. Romance of the mind begins when the sun comes up, not after it goes down. If you want have a successful romance with your husband or wife, start the day thinking about what your partner likes or wants most. Maybe it’s a specific request, a deed, or a special gift. Doesn’t have to be fancy, but it does need to be relevant to your relationship. Drop hints throughout the day to build expectancy. Some suggestions are short and sweet (or sexy) notes, photos, or voice/text messages. The idea is to show that you’re listening, to give your honey a sense of desirability and to build up his/her receptiveness for affection. (Notice I did not say sex per se.)

2. Romance of the mind is ritualistic, not boring or repetitive, but endearing. I recently read an article about couples who love having fun with each other. (http://women.msn.com/a460717.armx?GT1=6920) The one thing that they all had in common was that they had certain rituals that they enjoyed doing together. When you have a certain ritual that you and your partner share, it gives you something to look forward to throughout the day, week, month or year.

Something my husband and I do to wind down our day is chat over tea, coffee, or chocolate (in the winter) and smoothies (in the summer). Sometimes we have music in the background, sometimes not. Sometimes it leads to more, sometimes not. But this practice has gotten us through some tough times spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally and even professionally.

3. Romance of the mind is well-planned but has a feeling of spontaneity. One of the movies that I truly enjoyed this year was Hitch. He had a way of making romance look easy, but he wasn’t perfect. He planned, but he wasn’t rigid. And when his plans fell apart, he could go with the flow. If only we all could be so talented. I’ll let you in on a little secret: the good news is that we can.

Just plan around what you and your wife or husband like doing. If you like elaborate evenings for two, go for it. If you love to travel, there are plenty of romantic places to see. If you like staying home and playing board games– there are plenty of nice (and some naughty) ones out there.

Just plan and see where you’ll end up.

When we lived in Brooklyn, my husband and I used to plan walking dates in Prospect Park (the Central Park of Brooklyn) or near the water along lower Manhattan. We’d have our meeting time and place, but no specific agenda in mind. Sometimes we heard musicians. Sometimes we just enjoyed nature. One time we even had an unexpected fireworks show. It was spectacular against the purple glow cast on the water. I was certain that he knew about it. He denies it to this day.

Hope this post inspires you to make an effort and draws you closer to your spouse.

If your marriage isn’t working for you, maybe you aren’t working enough for it. A marriage is a relationship; and no ship will steer its own course - or stay afloat very long without maintenance. If your relationship is feeling more like a “slave-ship,” or a “war-ship,” here are three-things you can do that will make it seem more like a “cruise-ship” - and help you turn your marriage into a dream vacation:

1. Listen. Listen to your partner; and listen to yourself. Communication is essential in a relationship; you aren’t really in a relationship without it - even if you live together. And, without learning to listen to - and discern - the different voices within you, you can’t truly know yourself. Without knowing yourself, how can you introduce yourself to another person? Listening is such a rare skill that you will receive “bonus points” in any situation where you are caught actually paying attention to your partner as if they really matter to you; most people don’t - which is why most marriages end in divorce.

2. Learn. Learn to listen, learn to communicate, learn to be a better partner (we can all stand to be better), learn who your partner is, learn compassion, learn emotional self-management, learn to take personal responsibility, and learn from the relationship and the things that happen in it rather than blaming your own personal problems and “short-comings” on your relationship, or some other person - especially someone you supposedly love and honor. “Learn” can also be interpreted as, “Grow up.” Personal growth is essential for a happy relationship - or a happy life. Knowledge is power; gather it and use it wisely.

3. Love. Love is all we need because love is all there is. Everyone has it; though some aren’t aware of it, or don’t understand where to “find” it, how to use it, or what love truly is. If there are conditions, it isn’t love; it is some form of attachment. Learn to love unconditionally. Your only other choice is to continue suffering until you do. Spend time thinking fondly of your partner, and thinking of ways to express your love. In order to have a better relationship, you must visualize, or imagine, the kind of relationships you want, and then love your relationship as you watch it transform one step at a time.

Why is it so difficult for spouses to please each other? In most marriages one partner and sometimes both feel the other does not really know how to please them. Because men and women are extremely different, we cannot wing it.

We have learnt and sometimes relearn what to do. Here are three tips that can make a huge difference in your relationship with your husband.

Men Need Adventure

Adventure just seems to be built into a man because most of them crave it in all areas of their lives and their love life is not an exception.

If you are unwilling to be adventurous then you may not see the kind of changes you desire.

A lot of times their adventurous spirit is revealed in their fantasies. In my relationship with Mark, once he has a fantasy that involves both of us alone, fulfilling our God given duties to each other, then I am more than willing to do it. It may relate to the place that he wants to make love, dressing up etc.

Once it doesn’t violate our commitment to each other and does not overstep our boundaries, I aim to please. What about you. Have you been adventurous with your husband?

Men Prefer to Have Sex With The Lights On

Ladies, I know that most of us prefer to make love with the lights off. However, for most men they prefer having the lights on. I think it is because they are visual beings and are more aroused by sight. If this is what your husband wants, then give it to his.

Whether or not you feel insecure about your body, if he loves to look at it then let him.

Men Love It When You Are In the Nude

Again we go back to the point of our husbands wanting to see us in our full glory. Some nights, just decide to go to bed with nothing on. This is especially for those wives who love wearing those oversized sweaters to bed.

If you do not have children, then walk around the house in your birthday suite. The days that you are home before him, greet him at the door in your birthday suit and a glass of his favorite beverage.

Trust me, you will definitely get his attention and he will have no need to look outside the house for any form of satisfaction.

There are a host of things you can do to fully satisfy your spouse, but start with these and I can guarantee that you will see some changes in your love life.

I once overheard a conversation between an older couple and a young man. The young man asked this couple how they had stayed married for over forty years. The lady replied, ‘we are always either going on a trip or planning one.’

How does going on vacation help save your marriage? There is something about a change of scenery that give a newness to life. Vacation is a time to get away from the daily stresses of work and home. This is a chance to relax and not think about what color to paint the bathroom, or how big a chore fixing that hole in the back fence will be. No coworkers or deadlines. Just a couple relaxing and enjoying one another’s company. This is a wonderful time to learn the art of living in the present. Do not let anything tear you away from the joy of being together. This is not the time to plan your future, this is a time to indulge in love, your marriage, and your mate.

How does planning a vacation save your marriage? Planning gives us purpose. Whether your are planning your retirement or a birthday party, planning gives us something to look forward to. Planning a vacation together gives you and your spouse a goal to work toward together. Even during those times when you are not actively planning and discussing, that goal is still dancing around in your mind.

Now, let’s say you and your spouse have not been communicating so well lately. Maybe things are strained to some degree. How can you get together to plan a vacation when you and/or your spouse may not really feel like going anywhere with the other? Make it a weekend trip. If things are very strained, do not approach your spouse with the idea of a romantic get away. Just make it a get away, and it could turn romantic. Swallow your pride and take the first step toward reconciliation. You may have to invite them to a short vacation by email, but at least make the attempt. Provide some ideas or links to places that would be just right for a weekend away. Then start planning your escape to a better marriage.

When your husband or wife and yourself are having difficulties, then saving marriage advice is likely your first priority. If you do not want your marriage to come to an end, then you may have to fight for it. It is not as difficult as you might think, but it will require some serious effort. If you are willing to follow the advice presented in this article, you may be able to keep a painful divorce from taking place at all.

Many marriages end in divorce because the spouses just stop spending any time with one another. You can start trying to save your marriage simply by taking the opportunity to spend as much quality time with your husband or wife as possible. Quality time is enormously important. Quite often, marriages end because there is no communication and no time spent together.

The second thing that may help you is making time for romance. Write a love letter to your husband or wife. Let him or her know that you still care. That can be incredibly vital. If your spouse does not know that you still care, that can account for plenty of your problems.

Do not let your marriage lack excitement. That is often an issue between divorcing couples. Their relationship is simply no longer exciting. They do not go out with one another any longer. Just because you are marriage does not mean that you cannot date. You and your husband or wife should set aside some time each week for a date night.

A lot of times, marriage problems center around the way one spouse feels about himself or herself. He or she may be feeling less confident in terms of appearance and attractiveness. If you are the one feeling this way, do something nice for yourself. Start an exercise regimen or buy a new outfit. If your spouse feels this way, let him or her know that you think he or she still looks fantastic. Do what you can to let your spouse knows the attraction is still there.

Not so surprisingly, you have got to let your husband or wife know that he or she is your number one priority. Letting your spouse know that he or she is important can go such a long way. Simply telling your spouse “I love you,” buying him or her flowers, cooking a favorite meal - they can all do wonders.

There is lots of saving marriage advice out there. A lot of it can work for you. You might need some professional help as well. However, if the two of you want to save your marriage, you can succeed.

I have posited the theory of change before: things always do, change. This is no different with relationships. Whether we like it or not, even our closest relationships change for better and for worse. Acknowledging that this change occurs is both healthy and necessary in ensuring they stay on track, and are sustained. It’s a way of staying realistic about the dangers of relationship breakdown.

Marriage is the issue here. Marriage is the closest human relationship. It is two people in love with each other, aligned in purpose and goal, giving of each other for the other; in theory at least, and certainly from the biblical standpoint, it’s a substantially selfless relationship.

With the inevitable seesawing movement in any relationship, of which marriage is no exception, there is movement closer to, and away from, the spouse. This occurs in “seasons” of marriage; little two month/two year blocks of time that characterise a phase where one or both partners can explore things, usually passions, either alone or together - pushing them apart or bringing them closer together. At times, this brings welcomed space, and at other times, not. Another thing that happens to marriages at times is they break.

A key principle that I was reminded of just recently is that of attending to the primary relationship in marriage. That is, ensuring that the husband and wife ensure their relationship, above all, is nurtured, attended to and given room to breathe, grow and sustain life. Like anything, this takes time, effort, discipline, perception and awareness, notwithstanding the will to get it going, and keep it going.

Getting it right means temporarily, occasionally, and regularly putting the other needs on the backburner, for instance, children, career, material acquisitions, other relationships and pastimes, and investing in the two who chose to become one in blessed matrimony. It is the primary relationship and the solid foundation required for children; with Mum and Dad being strong and close and unified, Son and Daughter do not have the strong support base they need to be safe, protected and succeed; yes, the children will miss out if this primary relationship their Mum and Dad share is faltering. They will be missing this vital need.

If you’re a guy, and I can say this because I am one, do the right thing and treat your marriage as your job; your most important job. I love it how Scott Haltzman M.D. puts it in his book, “The Secrets of Happily Married Men.”[1] (Wives might consider purchasing a copy and slipping it under their husband’s pillow? Not all men take the hint though.) Men typically take their job and careers very seriously, expending effort over a long time period to ensure sustained success.

Marriages also need this form of commitment. But, there is more. The marriage is the most important job, by far! It’s not to say marriages are a job only because they’re hard work, but it acknowledges the fact that they are: They are hard work, no matter who you’re married to.

Marriage is the primary relationship within your family. It needs time, effort, encouragement, grace, space, breath… change, love, kindness, peace, work, study, time together, time alone, and a whole range of things we need to consider.

Now for some hard questions to search your marriage by:

For any of these and more situations, there are signs that movement has occurred in the plates of your marriage. The choice is how to move back the plates so there is better alignment, before it is too late. Remember, some marriages break, and some marriages permanently weaken, leaving a lifeless couple (not to mention the kids) floundering through life, and you never want to go or “be” there.

Be wise: Attend to your primary relationship, that one with your spouse.

© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved Worldwide.

[1] This book is from Jossey-Bass, a Wiley Imprint, San Francisco, CA, First Edition, 2006.