Relationships Articles

Whenever I see an article about divorce, or watch a news or current affair report about life of divorcees it always seems to focus on the woman’s plight and not any problems of men. Divorce & depression are partners for men after a marriage fails and recent reports have suggested that men take divorce a lot harder than women for a number of reasons.

These reasons are usually linked with women’s ability to develop social networks that allow them to get the support, advice and help they need while men often do not have these things and try to be stoic in the face of a massively changed life with emotional turmoil building inside them. Marriage problems and the divorce often lead to one prominent emotional issue which is depression.

While there are enormous numbers of books written on depression you can find some good practical advice you can use straight away include:

• Breaking down your problems into smaller pieces - Sometimes the divorce and problems after the event all pile up and can become unbearable making it depressing and overwhelming. Since there is no way back and no way out though you must start sorting your issues into smaller manageable chunks and just work at one at a time or the task may seem to be too much.
• Do not focus on the negatives - This is probably the hardest thing to do when you are depressed and it is impossible to stop thinking about negative things. However to lessen the problems you must find good things and focus on them even if they seem too small to make a difference against the negatives. The trick is though it is like breaking your problems into smaller chunks … after a while you have collected enough good positive feelings, thoughts and emotions that they can start to make an impact … never let go of the good things and actions you take!
• Have a goal - Men are very good at setting goals to achieve and we are biologically built to solve problems. Sometimes we do this in the most inappropriate way mind you but if we have the right tools we can build anything! With this in mind even if depression does strike you having something to do is important, it could be a life goal, an emotional goal or even a physical goal it does not matter. Achieving something makes men feel good at helps again depression and negative thinking.

Questions to Ask a Michigan Custody Law Mediator

If you have a choice in mediators, there are some questions you should ask:

Experience. How much experience does the mediator have with the issues you will be negotiating?

Success rate. How many disputes has the mediator resolved successfully, and how many have not been settled in mediation?

Style. Does the mediator step back and let the parents work it out, or does the mediator actively insert himself into the process?

Prior contacts. Has the mediator worked with any of the parties before, including any of the attorneys hired by either parent?

How the mediator answers these questions will reveal whether he or she is the right mediator for you.

Michigan custody law: What Child Mediation Costs

Generally, mediation costs between $200 to $300 per hour. The overall cost will depend on many things, including the style of mediation and how long you spend in mediation.

If you and the other parent prepare well and use the mediation process efficiently, you can reach an agreement in less than an hour. On the other hand, if you arrive at the mediator’s office unprepared and do not try to bring the dispute to an end, you could spend 15 hours or more before reaching an impasse.

Court-appointed mediators often charge a minimum amount-about $35 per hour. Private mediators charge more and often base their fees on their professional background. For example, a therapist or counselor may cost $75 to $100 per hour, while an attorney might bill at $150 to $250 per hour.

The Story of Edward and Barbara

When Edward and Barbara divorced, Barbara was granted physical custody of their three year-old child. Two years later, Edward sought to modify custody, and a court-appointed evaluator recommended that Edward be given physical custody. Instead, the court increased his visitation. Nine months later, Edward again tried to modify the orders, and this time, the court gave him sole custody. The court also ordered that a court-appointed psychiatrist evaluate Barbara, and barred her from asking for more time with her child until the psychologist had completed his evaluation. On appeal, the Court of Appeals reversed the mandatory psychiatric evaluation, but affirmed the decision to award sole custody to Edward, explaining that Barbara was “emotionally unsupportive of the child’s needs,” among other reasons. Janik v. Janik (2000) 61 Conn.App. 175, 763 A.2d 65.

Michigan custody law should be understood when dealing with child custody.

Yolanda is sick of her situation. She’s going to college, working a full-time job, and taking care of her 9-month old. She’s frustrated, irritated, and upset. Why can’t she get a break? Yolanda grows angrier by the minute. Her ex-husband gives her nothing for their son but feels entitled to everything. These realities continue to plague Yolanda. She wonders if her life will ever change.

Introduction

Why is there so much drama associated with child support? What sane person wouldn’t advocate the protection of a child? However, the mention of child support generates rage and bitter feelings among people. Yet, the issues of child support are very common to most women as married couples separate and fight over this concern. As a deacon of my church, I am very familiar with this matter. In fact, I also have a personal connection with my immediate and extended family. From my perspective, if people bring children into the world, they should take care of them. Supporting a child is serious business anyway. When a person becomes a parent, his or her needs are secondary, not primary. Therefore, adults should conduct themselves with maturity. This can be related biblically, “When I was a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man, I put childish things away.” This article is about how to take personal control over the situation in order to move forward.

The Real Problem

Child support has become a growing concern in America. According to a 2002 US Census, there were 13.4 million custodian parents taking care of 21.4 million children under the age of 21 years old. Approximately, 5 out of 6 custodian parents were mothers (84.4%) and 1

in 6 were fathers (15.6%). This reality leaves most women leading households alone. Additionally, 50% of individuals who pay child support are under 40 years old. Also, men pay a medium of $3,600 annually to support their children. Furthermore, the following methods are the most common ways individuals obtain child support: (a) wage withholding (33.8%), direct payment to parent (31.7%), direct payment to child support agency (14.38%), direct payment to court (17.7%), and other means (2.4%).

For many caregivers receiving child support is not an easy process. Payments are normally given for food, educational expenses, and daycare; the payments are usually made until the child turns 18 years old. Approximately only 17% of child support agreements make no provision for health care of children. Many parents feel that addressing child support issues can be overwhelming. For example, DaVett Jones has two daughters and is an assistant to a financial analyst. She sympathizes with other single parents because of her own experiences with this subject. DaVett never demanded child support from her children’s father or sought legal actions: “…I take what I get, which isn’t much. By that I mean I’ve never received more than $200 per month for two kids.”

Kennard Patton, a Texas manager, always seeks to get along with others. He has a reputation of being easy going. He is married and has two sons. He could have faced the issue of child support with one of the son’s mothers. However, he managed to work through the matter peacefully with her. Other men do not have this luck of a peaceful compromise. In fact, some men get very upset with having to pay child support. Some don’t mind handling their responsibilities but resent the fact they are forced to comply. Other men have no desire to support their off springs. Therefore, this issue can get nasty. Patton explains it does not need to get nasty: “Well to start the best way to avoid being put on child support is for the man to step up and be a father to his child. Meaning taking care of and supporting his child physically and financially.”

Personal Solutions

This reality of no child support can make an individual bitter. Yet, Jones has found the power to cope with her situation: “I’ve been extremely blessed to be able to provide for them with minimal help. Sometimes I kick and moan…We’ve never been homeless, hungry, or had to walk. I give God the glory for my supporting my children.” Likewise, individuals can take steps to move in a more positive direction. The following are some solutions:

• Identify the real problems, not symptoms.
• Confront the circumstance head on.
• Set aside time for meditation, bible study, and devotion to strengthening your spirituality.
• Research the issues of child support and parental rights.
• Seek to peacefully resolve any personal differences related to child support.
• Determine the alternatives if child support cannot be resolved.
• Surround yourself with positive people and individuals who share your vision.
• Keep a positive attitude even in the midst of confusion.

The Path Forward

Will the issues of child support continue to haunt society? Parents who have a child together must be able to communicate; the child support concern may not disappear anytime soon. Unfortunately, some circumstances can escalate and eventually explored if people are not careful. Therefore, good communications is critical. In this article, Jones and Patton are good examples of working through this matter thoughtfully. Therefore, child support concerns must be handled by mature people. Good communications, personal integrity, and selflessness can provide a tremendous roadmap for better relationships. Given these perquisites, individuals need to ask themselves a question, “Who’s going to be the bigger person?” Parents do not need to feel like victims. They can move forward regardless of the lack of financial support from the child’s other parent. It’s really about making decisions that will propel a parent and his or her child toward a better life.

So you got divorced? Well guess that? It’s not the end of the world and this is just a phase of your life you would get over real soon. You see now it’s done and over with and thinking about it too much is just wasting your time. You see the time people waste thinking about the past is one of the worst mistakes you can ever make in your life as nothing much would be gained in this time but you will lose a lot on the resourceful things you could have done all this time. But sometimes it’s just hard to move on but it’s not impossible. Read on to discover some of the most mind blowing ways on how to move on after a divorce and achieve stunning results instantly…

Chuck out his or her stuff- Throw out anything and everything out of your house which reminds you of your ex. You see the more you think about it the worse you are going to feel therefore hanging on to this feeling wouldn’t do you much good but worsen your already bad situation.

Start walking- Do you know that walking is one of the best ways to distract yourself from a thought you are trying to hold on to? Try this! Whenever you feel down or you feel the thought of your past life is drowning you again go out for a long walk and you would see an instant change in the way you feel.

Start going out again- What are you waiting for? Well some people think that it’s just too early to get into the dating scene again. Well now is the time and if you don’t act now you might not be able to act at all therefore start going out again.

Dating after a divorce will receive mixed reviews from your kids. A big reason for this variance will have to do with the age of your children. Why? Because they are at different developmental stages. Let’s take a look at some of the reactions you can expect.

Ages 7 and under

These children are young and rather resilient. But, as is the case with any of these age groups, they’ve gone through a lot of changes in rapid succession. While children at this age may not voice unhappiness with your dating, you may notice regressive behaviors such as thumb sucking, potty training issues and an increase in temper tantrums.

Kids at this age are not old enough to fully verbalize fear or anger about what’s happened and happening to their family so they act it out. On the other hand, these children are less likely to realize that you are “dating” right away. They may just think you’re meeting a “friend” and are content with that. This lack of awareness allows you more time to find someone you are serious about before any major resistance may occur.

Ages 8-11

These children are able to express themselves a little more. You may begin to get some flack from these kids about going out. They will know they are uncomfortable but still may not be able to label it as a specific emotion. The resistance will likely come out in grouchy, non-compliant behavior.

A plus for kids at this age is if you’re dating partner has children roughly the same age. If the relationship becomes serious and your partner begins to meet your children, this can be a big plus. Children at this age are very social. They may look at your partner’s child as a playmate and be more comfortable with you dating if they are able to spend time with this new friend.

Tweens & Adolescents

I’m sure this won’t come as a shock to anyone but this is the age where you will encounter the greatest resistance. By nature, this age group is very self-centered. The world revolves around them and their needs. If those needs aren’t met or if they think they those needs are being threatened, they will lash out. Be prepared for this as a possibility.

It’s doubly important for you to make sure you don’t focus too much of your time and energy on a new relationship when you have children in this age group. Does that mean you’re not allowed to have a life? No, but some people find it hard to balance parenting and dating. Remember those friends you stopped hearing from whenever they were in a relationship? Perfect example. They were not good at managing both relationships. As a parent, that’s not an option.

Adult Children

Their reaction has a lot do with how long you’ve been divorced. If a big portion of their time growing up was spent with their parents divorced, then they may be encouraging you to get out there and date. They’ll want to see you happy. If however, the divorce happened after they moved out and became an adult, you’re more likely to experience mixed reactions. They have the image of an intact family pretty ingrained in their heads. Seeing their parent’s apart and with someone else can be especially difficult.

No matter how old your children are when you choose to begin dating after divorce, be prepared for some discomfort. It seems weird. It also is a firm statement

that you are NOT planning on reconciling with their other parent. While that may seem like a weird statement, research shows that most children of divorce - no matter what age - cling to the hope that their parents might get back together.

If you do not know what a Divorce Recovery group is, it is a group of people who walk alongside you through one of life’s most difficult experiences. Groups are led by people who understand divorce and what you are going through. They offer valuable information and resources in helping you heal and rebuild your life.

To find a Divorce Recovery group in your area, there are several places you might search:

1. The Internet - Google; divorce recovery group or divorce support group, your city, state.

2. The newspaper, local magazines.

3. Local Churches in your area (use the internet to view their websites, look up phone numbers, name(s) of who to contact.)

4. Community Centers

5. Networking, ask divorce related professionals such as attorneys, therapist specializing in divorce, co-workers, friends, acquaintances.

How to decide which group to attend? Things you should consider:

Are your values and beliefs consistent with the foundation of the program? What is most important to you in a group? What do you hope to get out of the group? Is the location convenient and does the time and day of the week work in your schedule? Will the group cover a specific topic or area of concern where you need help? If you are a Christian Believer you may benefit most from a Christ centered program.

Do not feel that you have to belong to a particular church to attend their Divorce Recovery group. These groups are generally open to the community. The best way to get a feel for a group is to contact the person organizing the group and ask questions.

Questions you may want to ask about the group:

1. How long is the program? 8 weeks? 10 weeks?

2. How often is it offered? Twice a year?

3. Who leads the group and what is their background or qualifications?

4. How is the program structured? A lecture or video and then small group?

5. Is it an individuals program? Is it based on a book? Is it a branded program?

6. Are there any requirements to participate?

7. Are there any costs? If so, how much? Do they offer scholarships if people need them?

8. How many people can attend the group? Is there a limit?

9. When does the group meet and where?

10. Is there homework? How much of a time commitment will it be?

11. Is there a program for children? Do they offer childcare?

A couple of Divorce Recovery Programs you may find in your area:

DivorceCare is an organization with thousands of seminars and support groups that meet weekly throughout the US, Canada and nearly 20 other countries and territories. If you click on the link you can find a group near you. The neat thing about DivorceCare groups is that you can join at any time. If you miss the beginning of the group it does not matter. Each of the 13 weeks covers a different topic, so you can jump in any time and keep going until you have gone through each of the topics. DivorceCare is a Christian based program.

DivorceCare does offer a program for children called DivorceCare for kids. If you have children your kids can be attending a support group for them while you are participating in the adult program. The DivorceCare for kids is not always offered with the adult program, but the Internet will show you which locations offer the kids program. Their website is; http://www.divorcecare.org

Another group is The Fisher Rebuilding Divorce Seminars. Although there are not as many of these groups, you can go to their website by clicking on the name above and find out if there are any groups in your area. These groups tend to be smaller and more intimate. They often meet in a persons home. They are available in the US, Canada and a few other countries. Their website is; http://www.rebuilding.org

Recovery from divorce requires us to make changes in our lives. Lots of changes. No big surprise here. For example, divorce almost always forces us to make changes in our relationships, our finances, our living arrangements, our health-related activities, our self-development, and our recreational and social activities.

The logical prescription to speed our transition from being unhappily married to happily unmarried is straightforward: make the necessary changes ASAP! No problem. Why, then, don’t we do it? Why are we universally reluctant to do the obvious and make the changes that would improve our life after divorce?

The answer? RESISTANCE TO CHANGE! Resistance to change is our reluctance to make a positive change because of personal reasons.

A Personal Example

What I did when my first marriage ended is an example of how resistance to change prevents us from making a swift and smooth recovery from divorce. After eight years of marriage, my wife and I agreed it was over. We had tried several things to save it - couples counseling, communication training weekends, couples retreats, individual therapy. These efforts only served to reinforce our belief that a divorce was the right thing to do. The harsh reality was the marriage was over.

Three Ways Resistance to Change Can Ruin Your Divorce Recovery

Three things prevented me from moving on and making my recovery from divorce. (1) FEAR - I was afraid of an unknown future. (2) LOSS - I did not want to lose my “perfect life fantasy” of being married “til death do us part” with a loving wife and living with two wonderful daughters. (3) SKILLS - I did not believe I had the ability to live successfully as a single man. These three things illustrate the three causes of resistance to change, which had me firmly in its grasp.

Cause #1 of Resistance to Change - Fear of an Unknown Future

I could not guarantee my future would be happy. I could not guarantee that I would meet someone new. My disaster fantasy was that I would never find true love again and would live alone and lonely the rest of my life. This fear paralyzed me and prevented me from moving into the next chapter of my life.

Cause #2 of Resistance to Change - Distress Over Loss

Moving on meant I would lose daily access to my two daughters. It also meant I would lose the stability of a daily living routine. But most importantly, it meant I would lose the hopes, dreams, and assumptions about our family I had been collecting ever since my wife and I met.

For example, I had hoped my family would last forever. I had assumed I would be involved daily in my daughters’ lives. I had dreamed of growing old with my wife. My parents were married 67 years, so why not me too? Taking the active steps to recover would force me to admit that these hopes, dreams, and assumptions were shattered. The loss seemed more than I could handle. Hence, I put off moving on and thereby delayed my recovery from divorce.

Cause #3 of Resistance to Change - Uncertainty over the Operational Aspects

Logic-based resistance to change reflects our reluctance to make a change because we do not understand or agree with the Who, What, When, Where, Why, and/or How of the change. My logic-based resistance was based partly in my uncertainty about some How’s and Who’s of dating.

I had not dated for over nine years. I was convinced I would not be able to date without thoroughly embarrassing myself. I was stuck on such issues as - “How do you date?” “Who will I date?’ “Where will I find people to date?” As long as I pretended I did not have to take control of my divorce recovery, I did not have to confront my ineptitude with dating.

So How Can You Use This?

One fact exists, resistance to change happens to EVERYONE. It will happen to you. Be aware of its causes and be alert to your fears, your reactions to loss, and your confusion over the operational nuts and bolts of making a recovery. It’s all about taking the next step. Making the next change. You can be paralyzed by resistance to change as I was, or you can confront the resistance and dissolve it, thus enabling you to get on with the next chapter in your life.

Some questions to ask yourself that will help guide you on your recovery might include - What about the future do you fear today? What about “how things used to be” are hard for you to give up? Are you confident that you have the skills and knowledge to make your recovery?

Divorce leaves a trail of changes behind it.  I’m not talking little ones either.  Entire ways of doing life become altered.  As a whole, we don’t usually care for change.  Oh sure, we talk about it a lot.  But when it comes right down to actually making changes, we tend to back down and revert to old habits rather than creating new ways of doing things.  Perfect example:  trying to lose weight.  To accomplish this, you either have to change what you’re eating, or begin exercising.  Either way, it’s doing something different.

But with divorce, reverting to old habits isn’t an option.  Life has unalterably changed.  Coming to grips with those changes and adjusting to them has a lot to do with why divorce can be so painful.

So what are the best ways of dealing with those changes?  Let’s take a few minutes to look at just that question…

Be determined to stay present focused - It’s real easy to “what if” yourself to death.  Once the divorce is final, the time for “what ifs” is over.  Focusing on what could have been will only drive you crazy and keep you from accepting “what is.” 

Make a conscious decision to begin catching yourself when you revert to this past tense thinking.  Once caught, tell yourself to stop, get up, do something different and get your mind off of it.  I know this is easier said than done.  You’ve got to start somewhere though and it will get easier the more you do it.

Openly deal with emotions - Don’t be fake with yourself.  You may feel you have to put on a brave face for your kids or all those well wishers who keep asking, “So, how are you doing?”  But when you have time to yourself, quit stuffing those feelings.  Acknowledge they are there and focus on a way of moving through them.

Have support available - A lot of people feel they don’t want to “burden” their friends with what’s going on with them.  That’s a part of friendship!  All of us take turns leaning on one another.  Now it’s your turn to receive some boosting up.  If you still don’t feel you can openly discuss what’s going on, then consider an online community where you can be a little more anonymous, but yet still gain support.

Take it one day at a time - Change is hard and it takes time for it to stop feeling new and become the norm.  With all of the major life changes you’re going through, give yourself a break.  Remember how I said to stay present focused?  That means not constantly worrying about the future as well.  You’ve got this one day in front of you.  Focus on making it count and using it in the best way you can.

Two people of the opposite sex living together without the benefit of marriage has become a common phenomenon in industrialized societies across the world and about half of cohabiting individual view living together as away to assess compatibility prior to marriage, seemingly, then this arrangement should eliminate poor matches and make subsequent marriages more stable.

Among married individuals, premarital co-habitation is related to lower marital satisfaction, less time spent together in shared activities, higher levels of marital disagreement, less supportive behavior, less positive problem solving, and more reports of marital problems, Furthermore compared with couples who enter directly into marriage, couples who cohabit first have higher risk of marital dissolution {Divorce}.

As this study demonstrates, what might seem prudent from human standpoint may in reality be very unwise. This fact underscores the truth of the word at Jeremiah 10:23. “It does not belong to man……even to direct his step.” How much wiser it is to look to God’s word, the bible, which provides much fine counsel on the subject of marriage.

For example regarding the marital relationship, the bible says: ” A man will leave his father and mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh, heeding to the bible directives will help us have a successful relation and marriage instead of following flawed and often fickle human reasoning, greatly improves prospect for a truly happy and lasting marriage.

Why not let the bible control you way of life, so that you will not even think of living with any member of the opposite sex without marriage, because this will be really bad and can cause marital resolution in you marriage life, and these will go a long way to affect your family life and the way things are done in your home.

So what you should do if you find out that you and your mate are not legally married is for you to separate or get legally married. So that they will be a Devinne blessing in your family, and you will be blessed by the creator of mankind by heeding to his counsel.

One thing you learn as parents is that you are no longer the center of the universe. It’s not about you anymore. Sometimes it may seem that your only job is to play chauffeur to little league games, shop for ballet shoes and pay for everything. However, it also means playing the role of hero, teaching them and setting an example for them. It can be both exciting and overwhelming.

A woman can be the best mom in the world and the man living up to his fatherly duties without pause; however courts will view these connections differently. A judge’s custody decision is based on what he or she believes is in your child’s best interest. That decision is guided by several criteria set by the state which usually include:

- The age of each parent

- The physical and mental health of each parent

- The age and sex of the children

- Which parent has consistently been the primary care provider for the children

- The quality of home and community each parent can offer.

- The work and travel schedules of each parent

- Does either parent have any history of drug or alcohol abuse

- The emotional bonds the children have established.

Parental care is a major element in the judge’s decision. Which parent can more adequately undertake the upbringing and homemaking responsibilities for a child on a daily basis will plan a vital part in this drama. The judge will consider:

- Who spends more hours per day with the child

- Who cooks the meals

- If the child is young, who bathes and dresses the child

- Who stays home from work when the child is sick

- Who takes responsibility for involvement in school and who helps to complete homework assignments?

- Who attends school conferences?

- Who takes responsibility for involvement in after-school activities?

- Who makes the doctor and dental appointments and takes the child to the appointments?

- Who is responsible for creating child care arrangements?

If your children are old enough to have a preference, the judge may talk to them to see what they say. Ultimately, the judge will try and determine the best outcome for the children. This creates tense emotions and sometimes “win at all cost” strategies on part of the parents and their lawyers.