Relationships Articles

If your ex girlfriend has just dumped you, or if the break up has been mutual, you need to decide whether you want to pursue getting back together or if you want to move on with your life.

These are three questions that will help you make sense of your emotions and decide what to do.

#1. Were you a better person with her than without her?

In the best relationships the people involved build each other up. For instance, I tend to be a very serious person — that leads me to take everyone in my life very seriously. My husband has the most fabulous sense of humor, and when I start taking myself too seriously, he always lifts me out of my funk. If your relationship with your ex did something like that for you, then by all means do what you can to get ex girlfriend back.

#2. Were you attracted to her, and are you still?

Attraction is not the most important thing in a relationship, but without it you might as well just be roommates. So, if there is intense attraction there, the relationship might be worth pursuing.

#3. Can you see a future together?

It’s a pretty good sign that you should work to get your ex girlfriend back if you can see a future together. Do you have the same things in common? Do you want the same things out of life? If you’ve gotten this far, how do you feel about kids and money?

If you’re in agreement on these things, don’t let her go easily. She may be the one they should spend the rest of your life with.

Whether we allow things simply to unfold or we actively seek to make a change depends ultimately on how we feel. Each moment demands we pay attention to the nuance of feeling, so we can decide what to do. There is no blanket answer or quick fix to consciousness. One thing is certain-If we like what we have, we should leave it alone. And if we don’t, we should change it.

Many of us make the mistake of thinking that time will make things better. But oftentimes, the passage of time makes things worse. This is because time does nothing but pass. It is neutral and formless, merely open space that forms a backdrop against which our lives unfold.

We are so conditioned to believing in time’s beneficence, that we credit this natural phenomenon for major life changes. But in reality it is we, who are superimposed on the divine nature of the ever-changing universe, and not the passage of time, that creates change. Only we, as the constant variable, can introduce a change and influence the outcome, shifting the momentum.

Sometimes our lives don’t work. Nothing goes right, and we suffer mentally and emotionally. This stressful state does not automatically change unless the ingredients that created the situation change. If we wait and do nothing, change will always be determined by what is already there-things will always become more of what they already are.

This is because everything has its own energy field. As vibrations are layered, one on top of the other, momentum builds, creating an aura. This tremendous force field pulls to it all matching harmonious vibrations. That is why, when something is bad, it usually gets worse.

For things to change, we need to choose to move in another direction. We know the old way won’t do it anymore, and we are open to new possibilities. Sometimes, we have a powerful realization, but often it is simply a slight shift in consciousness, imperceptible but potent. This newfound clarity instantly halts the forward movement and refocuses the energy, sending it in a new direction.

With this new change, we have an opportunity to observe the process from a different vantage point. Feeling good has its own vibration. It attracts to it feelings that are peaceful and creates circumstances that are expansive and supportive. This time the variables have all come together and created just the right mix. But is there a way for these positive feelings to continue? What can we do?

We remind ourselves that if something isn’t broken, it doesn’t need fixing. We do nothing and enjoy our moment of grace. What is good does not have to be made better-it will get better naturally, with no help from us. By not interfering in this divine confluence and getting out of the way, we silently manifest energy that reinforces these good feelings and creates new ones.

If we can love ourselves enough and let things be when we are at peace, we will begin to recognize the feeling as real. It is not a fluke or apparition. It is not something we have to cling to, afraid it will be taken away. Feeling whole is our natural state of being, and we have as much right to feel this way as we have to breathe.

Chapter 28 from Reality Works Copyright © 2002 Chandra Alexander

You have experienced it before. A heartbreaking end to the best relationship you have ever had. You feel empty inside. You long to be with that girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, or wife. You don’t think you can go on without them. You desperately have to do something to make this pain go away. So, what is the best way to get over a breakup? I have often wondered about that very question in times past. I have finally figured it out and I will give you the answer in this article.

Most people can’t imagine going on without this person in their lives. They feel empty. They can’t imagine having to try to start all over in the relationship game. Finding someone you are the least bit compatible with is a real job. And you liked the person you were in the relationship with; something just went wrong. What do you do? The answer is simple. You make up with the person you were in the relationship with. What? Make up? Yes, make up. I said it was simple, not easy.

The reason most people fail in relationships is because they don’t know how to make up with each other. I’ll be the first to admit that it is tough to make up with a person with whom you have been having problems. But, if you really want to be happy you need to learn to makeup with people, especially those close to you. Life has enough problems without losing the people nearest to you. Learn to make up! The best way to get over a breakup is to learn to make up.

We all want to find the “right” relationship. Here’s the secret. The key toward finding the “right relationship” involves preparation.

How do you go about getting ready for a great relationship? The following tips will help you get ready:

1. Know what is important to you in a relationship.

What are your criteria for having a relationship with someone? Here you need to look at what your values are about relationships.

For example, is it important to you to have shared spiritual or religious values? Shared interests? Is it important that you have similar educational backgrounds? Is it important to be in a relationship with someone who likes children? Is it important to have financial security? All these reflect things that could be important to a person about a relationship. I hope you realize that they are in no way a complete list of all the things that might be important. You’ll need to determine what YOUR values are.

2. Know what YOU NEED in a relationship.

When you are in a relationship, what do you need in order to be your very best?

Some people might need security. Some might need to be “romanced” to be their best in the relationship. Others might need to be told they are appreciated. Some might need positive attention. Others could need autonomy and independence.

Knowing what you need in a relationship and making sure the important needs are met allow you to be your best in the relationship. Not every single need has to be met in the relationship, but the important ones probably do.

3. Be completely honest about what type of relationship you really want.

Some people are looking for companionship. Some want marriage. Others want a deep connection with someone, but don’t care about being married. Some people want to have children. Still others want a sexual partner only. It is important to be honest about this.

4. Let go of your “baggage” about relationships.

Your “baggage” is usually the result of past relationships. There may be negative feelings left over from past disappointments or hurts. There may be beliefs you have about relationships based on your past history. If you carry that baggage into a new relationship, you are doomed to repeat the pattern of those past relationships.

Examples might be beliefs such as “Men can’t be trusted;” “There’s only one woman out there for me;” “Nice guys are boring;” “No one will want me;” “I’m too old.”

To be ready for a “right relationship,” you have to let go of the baggage from past relationships, whether it consists of beliefs, emotions or memories. A new relationship doesn’t magically create happiness. The old issues from the past tend to come up over and over until we deal with them.

Want that special relationship? Want to find Mr. or Ms. Right? First get ready. If you don’t, you might just miss a really special person, someone you won’t even notice because of your unfinished business.

(c) 2008 Linda Pucci, Ph.D.

This article is more just a collection of thoughts I’ve had on the subject of love. I’m hoping it will open up some avenues of thought, rather than give you a definite direction, or definite set of tools to try out. So here goes!

Love is in the air. For some.

For others, it simply isn’t.

Love is that illusive feeling that we all want, that we all seek (whether we admit to it or not)

Some of us are weary from loving. Some of us have been hurt, and have retracted into ourselves, trying to pretend we don’t want it or need it. Some of us are so happy in love, it makes others weep for love lost, or never felt.

Love is all around us. In words, in songs, in novels, in films, in TV ads.

There are self-help books to help us find love, keep love, even end love. You can’t escape it, it is everywhere. Love makes the world go round. Or sends our world crashing to a standstill, with us in a heap on the floor, crying, angry and in pain.

Whether you are in a relationship, not in one, or just out of one, I want you to examine your past loves, your past losses. What were the similarities, what were the differences between these relationships? More importantly, and as I’ll explain further on, who were YOU in each relationship?

I have worked with clients to help them get over past relationships and the negative effects of them. I have also helped clients resolve difficulties in existing relationships.

I ask clients to examine what qualities they would like their ideal partner to have, and what qualities they themselves bring to a relationship.

I do this because if you don’t know what you are looking for, how can you find it?

It is important to realise what qualities you want a partner to have.

Fun?

Generous?

Humorous?

Romantic?

Responsible?

Caring? etc etc etc.

And it is good to realise what you bring to a relationship, what you have to offer.

And then one day it struck me, and maybe I was just being slow on the uptake. But I got to thinking, not about the qualities a person should look for in another. But a person seeking love (or a person nurturing an existing relationship) would be more empowered if they thought about how exactly they want to feel when with their partner.

Now as I said, maybe I’m slow on the uptake and everyone thinks like this. But I don’t think so. I think we concern ourselves with qualities, maybe even check-lists of qualities, that we neglect to examine how exactly we want to feel.

Your partner provides you with financial security, but makes comments in front of your friends that leaves you feeling embarrassed. Your partner is kind and caring, but you feel empty in their company, feeling like there should be more to love. You want to try new things, go different places, but your partner does the same things over and over, never leaving their comfort zone. You experience feelings of suffocation and boredom.

These are just examples of difficulties and challenges in any relationship. And every relationship has difficulties, and the need for compromise. The problems arise when all you have and all you experience is compromise, putting your needs aside, not living the life you want. Not feeling how you want to feel.

When I say how to feel, I also mean, what is your true expression of self, and feeling comfortable to express that.

So if you are single, or in a relationship, take some time to think about how exactly you want to feel in the presence of a lover. This is important, because I believe that with a partner, it is important for you to feel comfortable in expressing all aspects of yourself, even the contradictory aspects - strong and weak, sexy and slovenly, energetic and lazy, clever and silly, humorous and cross.

What are your different sides? Who are you? What makes you happy, what makes you sad? What makes you feel alive? What gets you jumping out of bed in the morning?

What gets you jumping into bed? What needs, desires, and wishes do you want a / your relationship to fulfill?

Think back to your different past relationships. Were you the same person in each relationship? Was your character the same with each partner? Were you more outgoing with Joe than with Jack? Did you feel sexier with Dave than with Ben? Were you in awe of Claire, and more bossy with Sue?

Did you (without realising) adjust, change, modify, hide or exaggerate different aspects of your personality to suit your current partner?

When I think back over my own relationships I can see how I was different with each partner. It’s only natural. Think of your friendships. I bet you have different friendships with different people. I bet you are slightly different with each one?

The question is to discover for yourself what aspect, what side of yourself you are most comfortable/ strong / happy with.

We all have many sides to us, for we all have different moods and emotions. When you want to attract the partner into your life that you want, or want to nurture your current relationship, think about what emotions you want to feel, and what aspects of yourself you want to share.

If you are currently in a relationship, what aspects of yourself do you want to share more of? How can you do this? What activities, what conversations, what declarations do you need to make to feel true to yourself and find happiness?

Apart from a breakdown in communication, some relationships experience difficulty because people allow themselves to feel stifled, and not show all aspects of their personality, for fear their lover will reject them.

People change over time due to different circumstances and experiences. Our personalities can change too. What happens when you are in a relationship and this happens? If you already don’t feel comfortable in expressing all aspects of your personality to your partner, you’ll find it hard to show these new aspects. So many people put up with situations and relationships that are not healthy or happy.

What emotions do you want to feel on a regular basis? What characters do you have inside that you want to give expression to? When you know that, then you can think about the qualities of a partner who would match those personalities, or be a compliment to them.

So whether you are single or attached, take some time to just examine who you are in a relationship. Who do you want to be in a relationship?

Then you are more likely to either find what you are looking for, or be more happy, or more decided about a current relationship.

If you are in a relationship and you feel you are not sharing all aspects of yourself that you want to share, don’t panic. It doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed, or wrong. You certainly don’t have to end it. Your relationship will already be fulfilling certain needs. If you want to make changes, and start experimenting, a word of caution, please start small! You don’t want to scare or overwhelm yourself or your partner!

The natural state of the body is wellness. When we are sick, we are out of rhythm with the body’s band. This discordant note signals a call to attention, a potent stopping point to re-evaluate who we are and where we are going.

Most of us accept sickness, either mental or physical malaise, as part of life. It is true that, being human, we are certainly subject, at any time, to a number of afflictions, but there is a powerful distinction between accepting our humanness and allowing illness to be a constant part of our lives. This does not mean we should chastise ourselves when we are not in top form, but rather that we look at these times with an eye toward discovery.

This is the perfect instant to stop. We breathe deeply and realize there is something very important to learn. We say to ourselves, “I was well, and now I’m sick. What has changed or needs to be changed? What do I need to do, or not do, to once again be in tune with the body?”

Although it often appears that we woke up one Monday with cancer or, out of nowhere, suffered a heart attack, this is not really what is happening. The universe works in very subtle ways and incrementally attempts to wake us up. All illness, regardless of what it is, is a cry for consciousness.

This is a defining moment. How we choose to deal with our illness will continue to lay the groundwork for the rest of our lives. Do we rail at the gods of fate and call our destiny unfair, or do we become stoic and resigned, determined never to question this unfortunate turning of events. Either way, we remain disconnected from our bodies and ourselves, hoping, praying, and believing there will be a reversal. But the turnaround never comes.

That’s because only a different way of looking at all the old stuff can trigger a transition, stop the forward momentum. Unless we are open and willing to have no answers for a while, we will never be able to effect a change. Not knowing is the beginning of knowing, and we must pass through this seemingly barren plain, unaware that it holds the fruits of wellness.

By choosing to remain awake regardless of what happens to us, we take control. We resolve to be honest with ourselves, no matter how much it hurts, and to stay connected to the most intimate parts of our lives. Our vulnerability is what opens us, and we are determined to feel no matter how much it scares us. And then we let go, knowing we are not in charge. This is the way we heal.

Chapter 21 from Reality Works Copyright © 2002 Chandra Alexander

Everything’s set: you have the most gorgeous ring and you’ve set the wedding date. Your wedding gown is custom-made, absolutely perfect, and you can’t wait to finally walk down the aisle with the most scrumptious veil ever. The wedding colours are definitely stylish, as well as the attendant’s gowns. Your planner is such a love for finding the most breathtaking reception place, and you had it booked ASAP. The flowers and favours are ordered, the menu all planned out, and the honeymoon destination that you booked for totally rocks! Now all you have to do is hold your breath for the special day, a day to profess your true, undying love for your soon-to-be hubby.

It’s pretty obvious that you’re ready for the wedding-but are you ready for marriage too? Many couples get caught up in the frenzy of planning and executing a wedding while the reality of married life is often pushed at the deepest recesses in the back of their minds. Unlike the wedding day where everything is planned for even to the tiniest detail, marriage is never on the spotlight-that is, not until after the honeymoon. So how does a couple know that they are ready for marriage? The primary issue to be considered is the couple’s finances. What will each person bring to the marriage table? Although this may sound like a business deal, cold and calculating, this is a very necessary issue.

Talk about it in terms of figures, not abstract statements. How much does each of you make, and how do you pay the bills? Should you have separate bank accounts? Questions like these are hard, but it should have crystal clear answers or else it could stir trouble in the future. Marriage is a partnership, and it always requires give and take from both partners. Household chores aren’t only one person’s responsibility, especially if both spouses are working. Short tempers and resentments are sure to come if one spouse has to deal with an exhausting job and come home to another: housework.

Household chores are in no way gender specific, so it’s not just a woman’s job to cook. If he is fond of watching Hell’s Kitchen then give him every chance to be Gordon Ramsay. However, if neither of you are excited to be the executive chef, simply take turns preparing meals. Talk about who’s doing what and when, so that nobody is left to tackle all the housework alone. The future seems a long way off, but it’s always a good idea to have goals. Remember that you’re not just one person-you already have a spouse to discuss your future plans with.

Is there something that you want to do ten, fifteen years from now? Is there any particular place where you want to build your dream house? Be open about your goals and ambitions-just because your partner knows you inside out don’t mean that he/she can read your mind. Sure, you’re having awesome sex, but will it be the same forever? Sex will not always be exciting, especially when you’re doing the same things over and over again. Be vocal about your needs and desires with your partner. It’s important for both of you to know what the other wants, in order to avoid boredom and resentment when one’s needs aren’t satisfied.

Just because a couple gets married doesn’t mean that both of them welcome the idea of children. Talk about your true feelings: Is he as excited as you are about having kids? If only one of you wants to be a parent, don’t assume that your partner will change his/her mind once you have the baby. Chances are it could only destroy your marriage. Being ready for marriage requires maturity-a lot of it. Be very certain that you have this before saying “I Do”.

You want to have a long lasting love relationship and you think you are doing the right things to have it, only to realize you are not you are sabotaging yourself.

Expectation

You have an expectation of what the relationship should be like and you believe that you are on the right track only to notice that you do not attract the person and if you did it is not the right person.

Logic

Your logically mind have this idea of what you should be doing and you take actions such as registering to the dating sites and nothing is happening,

your friends keep setting you up with people they know and it is not working out.

Blaming

You may blame yourself or another for thing not working out saying it is your fault or the other, and feeling sad and hopeless about the whole idea of dating.

Feeling hopeless

You get to feeling hopeless and start spending time with friends and saying to yourself it does not matter or that you will remain alone for the rest of your life.

Conscious actions

When you take an action to having the person in your life, you expect results and when it is not happening it is not fault.

You may take action by joining clubs or having a friend set you up on a blind date, only to have failure with it.

Consciously creating a place

Steps to take for have another person in your life.

You can create a place in your home for having the person to be in your life.

Have tooth brush in the bathroom.

Practice sleeping on one side of the bed.

Have a space in the closet for the other person.

Create a place on the table for the person.

Create a place in the closet for their clothes.

If it is a male you are attracting, buy shaving cream and razor.

If you want to attract a female, bubble bath soap, oils, incense, candles.

Hang bath robe in the closet (male or female).

Talking to people

Learn to be open by say hello to people and not be afraid that all people are out to get you this helps to create confidence and flexibility within.

Conclusion: Creating a space within can be triggered by taking the time to create the space outside of you.

We all know: love is blind. All of us know this on our own - we met somebody, fall in love, start a relationship, but usually we did not find enough time to really know our partner. Many people are strongly convinced they know their partners but in fact it is little what they know about the loved one.

Too many people do not ask ”difficult” questions about their loved ones and rush into a serious relationship or even marriage.

The divorce rate is higher and higher, and one of the motives is that partners do not know each other well enough. Questions need to be asked and answers must be given.

Here are 4 such questions to understand what your partner thinks about your relationship:

1. How does your loved one see your future together?

This is a crucial question. Many people spend time with partners but do not want marriage. Even if you are in love, the other may have a different opinion about the future. Maybe your loved one does not want marriage, house in the countryside and kids but travelling, dangerous sports and leisure.

2. Does your loved one want kids?

Maybe he/she wants to be with you but does not want as many children as you. This aspect is important and should not be discussed after marriage but before.

3. Where does he/she want to live?

Some people like to live in big crowded cities, they like active life and heavy traffic, others want to live far away from the noise of the city, without internet, TV-set and any other sources of information. So you need to discuss this aspect too because it is very important.

4. How does he/she want the house to be?

This is a crucial question; you need to know his/her religious and spiritual ideas. He/she also must make a point about the education your children will have, especially if you have different religions, how does he/she see the role of man/woman in the marriage.

There are many questions related to the couple but many people avoid them or do not take them into consideration. Of course there will be compromise but be sure both of you accept it. You also need to think of a happy future together, leaving apart little things that can ruin your happiness. Discuss about all issues from the very beginning to avoid disappointment that can appear later.

There are some things in life that do not neatly fall into what we consider the logical pattern to be. One of the best examples concerns the building of lasting relationships between us and our male counterparts. For us, it seems only logical to tell our boyfriends how we would like to get married since we are in love anyway. Unfortunately, the men do not usually see things from the same angle, and such a step can just do more harm than good.

This difference between us and the men often creates a lot of misunderstandings and heartaches. While we would like to take our relationships beyond the dating stage, many men seem to stall at this point. Some of them just won’t talk about the issue of marriage at all. Others will make it clear that marriage is not something they are after at any time in the near future. This causes a great deal of frustration.

If you are dating a man who seems content with the status quo, what should you do? It is actually possible to take measures that will influence your man to propose to you soon. Although the steps mentioned here may not appear as logical as you would expect, they are what create the desired changes.

Don’t bring the issue of marriage

If you want to encourage your boyfriend to take your relationship more seriously, you should not keep telling him about it. Instead, drop all talk that concerns marriage in any way. Whether it is about your own expectations or discussing the marriage of other friends, this is something that will instinctively make the man go to the defensive. He will resist the idea you are bringing, and this will just create friction between you.

In addition, do not try to be smart by just leaving bridal magazines at places where he is bound to find them. Whether it is directly or indirectly, you should avoid bringing the idea of marriage. It is when you stop talking about marriage that he will actually think more about it.

Make yourself appealing to him

If you think that boldly talking about marriage will make you more appealing, then you are wrong. Basically, this clearly gives the impression that you are entirely available to him. He will thus relax his efforts, and won’t feel the urge to do anything more.

This is due to the fact that men love the chase. When you do not challenge your boyfriend to pursue after you, you will be less appealing. You should therefore let him miss you by not being always available and he will come after you.

Keep yourself busy with other things instead of focusing on marriage all the time. When there seems to be some space between you and your boyfriend, he will commit in order to close that gap.

These are some of the methods that you can use to influence your boyfriend to propose.